TWO FOR THE HORSES 1/27/07

Car Trouble

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

What to Do With a Dead Horse

Most people, when they discover that they are riding a dead horse, dismount and get one that is alive instead.

However, those who work in governmental bureaucracies sometimes try other strategies:

1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Switching riders.
3. Increasing the standards that need to be met by dead horses.
4. Saying things like "This is the way that we have always ridden this horse."
5. Appointing a committee to study the dead horse.
6. Blaming the horse's parents.
7. Waiting for the horse's condition to improve.
8. Acquiring additional dead horses for increased speed.
9. Taking bids for a state-of-the-art dead horse.
10. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
11. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Declaring that the horse is "better, safer, and cheaper" dead.
14. Revising the performance standards for horses.
15. Passing legislation declaring "This horse is not dead."
16. Providing additional training to increase riding ability.
17. Commissioning a study to see if private contractors can ride it cheaper.
18. Removing all obstacles in the dead horse's path.
19. Saying that the horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
20. Continue to purchase feed for the dead horse.
21. Shift the responsibility for the dead horse to another department.
22. Raising taxes (any excuse will do).

And if all else fails:

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Sometimes the joke is a bit too close to the truth for comfort.
sapphoq n friends

THANKS R.J...THIS IS PRICELESS 1/27/07

Things I Hate about Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

ONE-WISH GENIE 1/27/07

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So...What'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to
stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace
and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady,
please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it
can be done. Make another wish, and please be reasonable."

The
woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man."

The genie
let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."

With apologies to all the good men I know but it's still funny.
sapphoq n friends