On Differences

I've been thinking about teamwork. Specifically I've been thinking about how it is that many employers today expect teamwork. Everyone is on a team, part of a team, hopefully the winning team.

I am not a team player. I have come to accept that about myself and to embrace it. Being a maverick, an independent thinker, a solitary sort, an aspergian to the core-- well, there is nothing to be gained by fighting my intrinsic way of being and navigating around the universe.

I am an investigator. I know how to ask questions. I know how to listen for what is not said as well as for what is not being said.

I know who I am.



I respect you for who you are, just the way you are. I give you the basic respect that every human being deserves. I even respect you for being a person of faith, for being on your god's team. I respect you for your need to be managed, even to be micro-managed if that is as you wish.

I also deserve respect, the same basic respect that I extend to you. I deserve respect as a person of non-faith, for being a solitary traveler. I deserve respect for my need to be left alone, to seek out what works for me. If you cannot respect me for who I am, then respect me because I am a human being like you.




I am not asking for your permission or for you toleration. I am far beyond that. I am asking for your acknowledgment. If you cannot acknowledge me for who I am, I accept that. I know that acceptance is not approval. I deal with what is. Your inability to acknowledge me does not cause me to think less of myself. It is a far deeper pain than that.

sapphoq and friends

Sunday Homesick

Another bright sunny day after some grayness, cool air, and clouds burned off and I've got cabin fever. On our trek
to the store with happy dog in tow, husband asked me if I wanted to go home today. "I won't do that to you," I told
him. To husband who has been coming up here since the 1950s, this island is a treat and his spiritual home.

While I love water and trees and rocks-- all of which are plentiful here-- this trip has had its difficulties for me.
For one thing, we are without a car on the island itself. That immediately eliminates some of the places I like to
visit such as The Hook with its' sandbar and walk over to Little Chebeague, Rose's Point, and Chandlers' cove. Add
to that the lack of internet signal at the cottage, no access to support groups, and no television (never mind cable)
and I feel effectively isolated from the world at large. I miss my friends.

This week has been remarkable in that my trouble with remembering faces since my accident (the official word is
pronoscopia) is pronounced. I remember names and things about people. Once I am told the name of someone, I can put
that into a context. That part is good. What is not good is the not knowing. I can recognize the too-thin woman
next door sitting on her deck reading a book for instance. But if she dons a hat and sunglasses and heads for the
beach on the cousins' right-of-way, I have to ask her if I know her or if she is just another lost tourist from the
hotel. Even husband has noticed the pronoscopia this week, enough to comment on it.

Normally when here, we have two weekends and a week in the middle, thus we would have been on the road back home
today. But we are not. Also, usually mother-in-law is in residence along with her car that she has freighted over
from the mainland. That will not be occuring til Thursday as husband is driving her and her car up on Wednesday. At
any rate, a nap on the couch with the younger cat snoozing with me and a look at the morning paper has taken the edge
off my cabin fever for the moment.

***

How quickly things can change in the space of a couple of hours. This afternoon we took the dog down to Hamilton
Beach as the tide was midway between high point and low point. She enjoyed trotting through the water, racing around
in the sand, and going up the steps from the beach to the yards of various people uninvited. I got husband to sit
on a log for a few minutes while I enjoyed watching some ducks bob up and down with the waves along the reef. Don't
know what kind of ducks as they all looked black against the sun and the sky.

Back at home I was treated to the sight of the younger cat standing up against the back of the old gray chair in the
living room, all puffed out, and staring intensely at a kit walking up mosquito alley. I can't say if it was the
same kit we saw earlier in the week or not by someone's bird feeder. But it did make me glad that our cats are
indoor cats despite their protestations. Cats are looked upon as a yummy meal by red foxes. And with the kits,
sooner or later instinct is bound to kick in.

Husband's sisters called, back from a sojourn with their mother to a college reunion. Mother-in-law's oldest cat--
who is 18 years old-- stopped eating and was delivered to the vet before they left on their trip. No word yet on
whether or not he is still among the living but I suspect not, or not for long. Along with that, now her car "has
to be fixed." Husband did not ask exactly what has to be fixed, when it broke, or if she has a set appointment yet.
This has changed her plans. Now it seems as if my husband will not be driving her up to Maine in her car on
Wednesday. The current plans are that she and her car will be driven up by the more local of the two sisters on
Saturday. That sister asked my husband if he would stay here until Saturday in order to meet her and their mother
at the boat. Then husband could get his mother settled in while sister bikes over to another dock to meet another
boat to take her to another island where she and her family have rented a house for a week. Then husband could
proceed back to the mainland on boat and bus and then drive home. I was not crazy about the idea of staying here til
Saturday. We had plans and now they are being rearranged. I miss my friends, my routine, my internet, my teevee,
my home and deck and garden. I want to go home.

At any rate over dinner husband decided he really didn't want to stay until Saturday. There are several obstacles in
the way of doing that. He doesn't have enough blood pressure medicine to last through Saturday morning. It's
fifteen extra bucks a night for the car to stay in the parking lot. We would have to go to town (on the mainland)
tomorrow to buy more food. The round-trip for both of us is twenty bucks. Island living and even island visiting
is expensive. I would have been willing to stay a couple more days if husband wished it but not a whole week longer.

So far we are going home Tuesday as planned. If at some point he decides to stay until Saturday, I'm out of here.

Saturday Lobster

Today started early. Wild dog woke me up at 5:30 so I walked her up and down the road in my nightclothes. (She
ignored me last night and ran off so this morning she got the lead). The mosquitos were a lively bunch today. I
grumbled a bit, ate some breakfast then, and went back to bed for a few more hours.

Husband, dog, and I walked up to the dock and then through the woods to some of the golf course tees. It was early
morning as well as early season so consequently we saw only four golfers. The golf course is a full 18 holes and
I guess it comes highly recommended. Back home via mosquito alley.

After lunch I took the dog out walking again. We went down the public access road to the beach. Dog got to run
then. We found three other dogs (one of them being Phil the puppy from up the road) and three younger folks with
them. I almost said kids but the twenty-somethings don't like that. At any rate, the young man with Phil had to
be reminded that my dog and his knew each other already as he was panicking. The two young women-- one had a lab
mixed with something heavier possible staffordshire, and the other a yellow lab-- were asking one dog where "his"
stick was.

I found a stick and threw it in the water several times, much to the delight of the three other dogs. My dog
followed along plunging into the water cuz her doggie buddies were doing it. But it was clear to me that she would
have preferred not to chase sticks as usually after the second time I toss something away she figures I mustn't
really want it. But she got wet and got to see other dogs be excited about sticks. The four had a romp on the
beach and then the young folks and their dogs wandered away.

I couldn't help but wonder if my sudden appearance had interrupted a would-be session of pot-smoking or something.
Even so, the young people were nice enough. Part of me wanted to say to them, "Look, I was young once too." But
that sounded lame. So I didn't. At any rate it doesn't really matter.

Dog and I wandered back along the beach toward the cousins'. We saw an older woman sitting on a rock reading a
newspaper in the breeze. Dog spied what must have been her lunch in a plastic bag. With firm encouragement, the
dog came away and the woman was spared her own food. There was a lone gull on a rock by the point. The tide was
heading out but the eiders were not to be found yet. We come back up the stairs between the cousins' and the point.

This afternoon I relaxed and husband fretted about the delivery of the lobsters. Seems the guy he gets them from is
struggling not to drink and perhaps on the losing end of that stick. At any rate the lobsters came. They were
hard-shells and at one and an eighth pound apiece cost six bucks total. Husband cooked them up, melted the butter,
and set out the potato chips. It was a delicious meal, our first at the dining room table all week. Dog lay by
my feet hoping for a taste of lobster. Turns out she likes lobster. The two cats were nowhere in sight. After
dinner more quiet time. Husband in bed by seven p.m. and so I had a quiet evening.

I talked with my dad today briefly just to say hello. He was heading out for some hair products. Husband said to me
after we hung up, "Man, he should just look in his bathroom. I couldn't go into the bathroom after him because of
all the hair stuff he uses." Which was pretty funny. I myself at times have gotten bent on cleaning products and
so we would wind up with lots of them, all different kinds. That must be where I got that from. Dad is stuck on
hair products and I am stuck on cleaning products.

I also talked to Ed. He is expecting a grandchild-- his first-- in September. She is going to be a girl, that we
know and we even know her name but I will not publish it here.

Well that was it for today. I am missing my internet connection and my friends back at home. So far it looks like
we will be leaving Tuesday. Husband and his mother will drive her car back up on Wednesday. And he plans to take
either the train home or rent-a-car. I teased him a bit, telling him that I am going to go to the bookstore on
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday when he is away.