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I have observed lately on Twitter that a certain butthurt woman is now claiming that a buddy of mine from Ireland is a pedophiliac. Certain butthurt woman has an established history of claiming that people who refuse to buy into her revisionistic history of her histrionic reactions to reality are aiding and abetting a giant pedo ring in the state of Maine which chiefly involve a daughter that she has lost any parental rights to-- by her own doing-- and that daughter's half-sister. Those who need to know are aware of the drama. If you don't know, count yourself fortunate that you remain untouched by the rantings of a raving lunatic.
These snark tags were created in order to encourage my Twitter buddy and cohorts to remember that bad behavior on the part of one butthurt individual says way more about her than it does about the rest of us.
Chins up. Troll on. Sail strong.
If any of the rest of you want these, right click to save to your computer.
sapphoq n friends
And to the people who do not understand copyright, I made these from pictures that I took. So go away. I hate you.
The truck suddenly stopped and a garage door descended. Majestic head-butted the prone human sleeping among the rotten foodstuffs. Then he bit him on the arm just below the elbow. Hard.
Dree RainCave groaned. Just then That Damn Stan came round back and opened the gate. "Fruit, Stan? Worse than the laundry."
"Shut-up!" That Damn Stan hissed. "Get in the house. First bedroom on the left is yours. We'll talk in the morning. And don't wake up my mother. She'll kill you."
Majestic bunched himself up and took a flying leap, hurling himself through the air and landing on the step leading to the kitchen. "I see you brought company. There's a litter box in the closet."
Dree RainCave extracted himself from the moldering pile of rottenness. "Thanks, Stan," he mumbled. Stumbling, he followed the cat to the bedroom that was to be his for the night. He collapsed on the bed. He didn't hear That Damn Stan setting out the litter box or bringing in fresh water and a cat bowl full of food for Majestic. Majestic took a giant dump in the litter box, gulped some water down, and then made himself at home on Dree RainCave's pillow. The cat was soon asleep, encircled around his human's head.
~ the next morning ~
"Get up!" That Damn Stan yelled at Dree RainCave. "And take a shower. You stink. Clean clothes are set out for you in the bathroom." The door slammed shut. Dree RainCave squinted at the early morning sunlight streaming through the window. "Too early for this," he whispered to Majestic, scratching him behind the ears and then rubbing the cat's chin.
The shower was steamy. It loosened the knots in Dree RainCave's muscles and swept away the dirt from The Abandoned Field that had become part of him. Dree RainCave dried off and inspected the clothing that the lawyer had set out for him. Not bad, he mused. Faded blue jeans, sandals, and a t-shirt. The t-shirt was white and had a picture of a rat with a hockey stick emblazoned on the front. "Albany River Rats," he read out loud. "Never heard of them."
The smell of fresh coffee, eggs on a griddle, and hot corn muffins led Dree RainCave to the kitchen. An attractive older woman nodded gruffly to him. "I'm not a maid," she informed him. "You want something to eat or drink, help yourself. Washer and dryer are down the hallway. While you are here, you will not make a nuisance of yourself. Got it?" The woman stared at him. Dree RainCave studied her for any sign of humanity. She was an attractive woman, maybe in her early fifties. Athletic. With silver hair and piecing green eyes. "Did Majestic bite your tongue? You will answer me, young man. This is my domain. Stan may have brought you here but I will kick your ass out in a heartbeat." Dree RainCave walked over to the coffee which was located in the opposite corner of the woman. "Yes ma'am," he said. He grabbed a mug sitting near the big coffee pot and began pouring. "And don't go smoking any of that marijuana stuff here. I will call the cops on you if you do," she told him sternly. Dree RainCave brought his coffee over to the table and sat down. The woman stalked off down the hallway.
When Dree RainCave judged that it was safe [meaning that the woman was gone], he got up again and went over to the griddle. He scrambled up three eggs, put them on a plate besides two corn muffins and sat back down to eat.
The corn muffins were quite good, he thought. There was some kind of trick to them. They seemed to have three layers instead of one. A coarse corn meal sort of bottom, a creamy middle layer which tasted vaguely of bran, and a crusty top layer browned just right.
That Damn Stan came in then and got his own breakfast. Dree RainCave said, "G'morning" and then ate in silence. "I see you met my mother," Stan said. "She's off-limits to you." "Huh?" Dree RainCave protested. "Off. Li. Mits." Stan repeated himself. "Oh stop. Don't even start in about your Honey leaving you for some guy named Kenneth. Honey is pregnant." Dree RainCave looked up, startled. "Yeah, probably yours," That Damn Stan continued. "And no, Kenneth has no designs on your girlfriend or ex or whatever she is to you now. Honey called me and I called Kenneth. So quit feeling sorry for yourself."
Suddenly, That Damn Stan exploded. "What were you thinking? Smoking pot, trying to grow pot, and collecting parts for a computer. Listen to me very carefully. You must stay off the internet. Period." "But--" "I don't want to hear it," Stan continued, his fury gaining momentum. "You are jeopardizing yourself and everyone who is working to keep you from getting arrested. This isn't a one-man operation." Stan was practically screaming. Veins bulged from his neck. "If you get drunk or use drugs, you are out of here. You won't be the first that my mother has set up for arrest. She despises stoners, drunks, and junkies. You will help her around the house while I am gone to work everyday. You will not leave the property. If I catch you with any electronic parts, I will make you disappear myself. You are not some grand hacker guy. For a smart guy, you really don't use your intelligence. Quit being led around by your gonads for crying out loud. You have first world problems. Next time you mess up, I just might have a yen to drop you off in a Chinese village. Or in a rehab." Dree RainCave thought to argue but then thought better of it. He nodded. "I'm your friend, Dree. Probably one of your truest friends. Fly right, shut up, and you just might live free. Now eat your breakfast. I'm off today. The three of us will be working in the garden." That Damn Stan gave his attention over to his plate. Food was serious business. Seeing that no more conversation or lecturing would be forthcoming, Dree RainCave did the same.
~ to be continued ~
Part of Majestic's Story:
It was a Monday morning Down Neck. Dree RainCave woke to the thunderous insistence of the object of his allergies kneading him somewhat impatiently in the gut. "Dammit, Majestic!" Dree groaned. Majestic rubbed his massive head just under Dree's pointed chin and then eyed the kitchen furtively. Dree knew any hope for more sleep was doomed. Over the last two weeks, Dree discovered that the cat's internal schedule dictated breakfast at five a.m. Majestic was no pussy. He was determined to train this new human properly.
Majestic had known seventeen other humans in the tenement over the course of his nine years there. One of those humans had experienced the profound consequences of what happened when a thought to mistreat the feline Master of the household became action. Majestic had gone Majestic on him in a big way. That one's decaying flesh occasionally still fluttered on the breeze from The Abandoned Field two blocks west of here. The male in charge of the humans who had come here to hide-- Majestic had heard various ones refer to him as That Damn Stan-- barged his way in one morning, said something that sounded like "oh shit" and a few other things that sounded like Yiddish curses, and had left in a hurry. That Damn Stan had returned at midnight with two burnt out stumble-bums and some shovels.
The newest lump on the newest cheap mattress was rolling out of bed now to Majestic's satisfaction and scurried over to the cat food kept now in a bottom cabinet near the kitchen sink. Majestic wound around Dree's legs happily. Dree deposited some food in the cat's dish and changed the water bowl.
Majestic crunched happily on the cat food. With one eye, he watched as Dree RainCave stumbled toward the bathroom for a piss and a shower. The woman Honey had fled in the night a week ago Friday. "I can't do this," Majestic heard Honey say to Dree. "He's going to give me a job as an assistant until I decide what to do next," she told her now ex-beau. And off she went to Philly with someone that she called Kenneth. He came in a broken down Lincoln borrowed from a friend, no questions asked.
Dree had cried that night long and hard. Majestic stayed close to him. Like some felines and many canines, Majestic knew that to allow a human to pet him was a privilege that somehow healed up a bit the broken places in that human. The first thing Dree had done upon waking up alone The Morning After Honey Left was to check the bathroom. The six houseplants were still there. Her toiletries were not. Dree sighed, put the six houseplants in a box, and had set the box down in the park by the fountain. The second thing he did was score some marijuana from a pimply-faced kid by the fountain.
Majestic knew that Dree RainCave had begun smoking the weed because of the sickly sweet odor it had emitted. He also knew that Dree had combed through the baggie and shaken it until the seeds were separated from the rest of it. Carefully, Dree had sorted the seeds. Some of them he had placed in boxes which were filled with dirt-- Majestic recognized it as dirt coming from The same Abandoned Field that now held the remains of the cat abuser-- and then astonishingly left them in a sort of closet with lights that he had built himself. Dree was over by said closet now. Majestic watched him check the boxes and then gently close the door as if he was afraid to waken a sleeping child before its nap was finished. Silly humans.
Dree was back in the kitchen now making coffee on the stove. It wasn't coffee exactly. It was wild chicory root which Dree had found in The Abandoned Field one morning. Majestic wished that Dree would find some catnip in The Abandoned Field and smoke that instead of the weed. Or at least allow Majestic to roll in it and get high his own self. Dree poured some cereal into a bowl, added a bit of milk, and plodded it and a cup of chicory-coffee on the table. He sat down then. Majestic immediately jumped into Dree's lap and began head-butting Dree. Dree was responding well to the training and scratched Majestic in All Of The Right Places and muttered endearing phrases to him. Majestic purred in response.
Dree fiddled with the hanger he had attached to an old radio he had confiscated from The Abandoned Field. W-BAI came in, wobbly at first but then clear. Majestic snuggled in Dree's lap. He was a musical cat for all of his fight and prowess. He loved the sonorous sounds coming out of the radio. Dree listened to the news and then got up. He left the radio on much to Majestic's secret satisfaction. "Later Majestic!" Dree called and he left the apartment. Majestic heard his steps crunching through the glass and litter of the alley. Majestic headed over to the sofa for his morning nap. He wasn't exactly sure what Dree did on his morning rambles. Since The Morning After Honey Left, Dree's clothing smelled increasingly of dirt and marijuana. Some days Dree would stumble back to the apartment empty-handed. Other days he was barely able to unlock the door to the apartment, his arms laden with wires and parts of things that Majestic-- being a cat born Down Neck-- had no idea what to make of.
Dree was building something. Of that, Majestic was sure. Some of the others had been tinkerers as well. But this thing that Dree was building was more complex than anything that Majestic had watched the others build. There was an old fish tank-- two other inhabitants had tried keeping fish-- but no water and no tasty fin snacks came to inhabit it. Dree had ordered Majestic to stay away from the wires protruding out of various little boxes and things. He hadn't said anything about the fish tank. Majestic crept off the couch and waltzed over to the tank now. It was hiding behind the couch just under the window. Majestic settled in for a nap.
Something woke him that Monday. It was mid-afternoon. There was a noise like a scraping first. It persisted through the dream that Majestic was having of running through The Abandoned Field in the glorious sunlight. Majestic opened one eye. Two shadows had entered the apartment. He felt the vibrations of their padded footsteps on the old wooden floor rather than heard them. Damn. Majestic cautiously dislodged himself from the fish tank and sauntered over to the edge of the couch. The two shadows were carefully rummaging through Dree RainCave's laundry which was, truth be told, laying in a heap just outside the bathroom door. One of the shadows placed something in the corner as the other grunted and said, "Nothing here." The grunting shadow stood in the bathroom door then and said "Holy shit" as he stared towards Majestic's litter box. The other shadow had reached for the door to the closet that held Dree's dream-- a successful marijuana business started from seedlings.
Majestic became incensed. These murky shadows had a smell about them. Some primitive memory dislodged itself from his feline brain. He growled then and sprang for the shadow by the closet door first. He latched on to the backside of the shadow, digging in with his ragged neglected claws. The shadow cursed and swung around in fury. Majestic bit him in a tender part of his neck and then dashed over to the shadow still staring at the litter box. The shadow turned around and attempted to kick away the husky enraged feline. Majestic aimed for the shadow's nuts. His teeth sunk in through the material of the subject's pant material. A satisfying crunch and then Majestic wove his way back to the shadow with the bleeding neck and back. Both shadows had drawn their guns. Majestic had prior experience at being target practice for a small gang of young thugs at the park and he knew what to do. He twisted away and danced around his two opponents, swiping and biting whenever the opportunity presented itself.
"Oh fuck," screamed the shadow with the now lopsided balls as Majestic aimed for a second and a third strike. "I'm done!" Both shadows made for the living room window. Shattered glass heralded their departure. A van with tinted windows pulled away from the curb. Majestic watched it go and laughed a silent cat laugh. He then positioned himself on the window ledge and remained awake, waiting for Dree RainCave's return. He hoped Dree wouldn't be high today.
~ evening, that same Monday ~
Majestic heard the lock of the back door. He knew it was Dree RainCave. He ran over to him, meowing loudly. He herded Dree toward the freezer where the cell phone had its residence. He screeched every time Dree endeavored to detour to the living room. "Want some food, Majestic?" The cat hissed at him and bit his ankle. Majestic sensed that he wasn't getting through to Dree. He began shoving him toward the broken window in the living room.
Dree spotted the window. "Shit," he said. Majestic jumped on the sill and hissed loudly. Then he ran over to Dree's laundry and hissed loudly again. Then he ran to the closet with the pot seeds and hissed a third time. Majestic repeated this routine three times. Dree walked over to his dirty clothing. Majestic head-butted him until he was looking at the wall. He found the bug. "Shit!" he said. And then, "Shit! Shit! Shit!" Dree hurried to the kitchen freezer and grabbed the cell phone. He then left the apartment, banging the door loudly. Majestic watched from the broken window. Dree was at the park fountain now. Majestic reappeared at the fountain in front of Dree who was talking excitedly into the phone. Majestic caught enough human speech to understand that Dree was talking to That Damn Stan. Suddenly, Dree slammed the phone on the fountain ledge, breaking it into pieces. He picked a slender rectangular part out of it and left the pile of black plastic there.
Dree took a breath. He headed over to The Abandoned Field. Majestic trailed behind him. Truth to be told, Majestic had begun to love this human. He didn't want to take his chances with whoever the next strange tenants of the dwelling would be. Dree reached the field then and pretended to look down through the stubble. In a few minutes, the ramshackle old truck that had delivered Dree and Honey to their brief sanctuary Down Neck pulled up. Dree didn't have to be told what to do. He climbed over the back gate and burrowed down among the bags of rotting fruit. He felt something large and heavy thud down next to him. Majestic purred then just a little bit. "You can't come," Dree whispered. For an answer, Majestic bit him in the nose and settled in next to his human. The truck pulled away. Darkness came and then sleep for the two stowaways.
~ to be continued ~
