Thursday, June 26, 2008

Little Johnnie Jokes

a big shout-out to Trasa

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnnie.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnnie says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnnie replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Little Johnnie returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'and I said '6'", replies Little Johnnie.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Little Johnnie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnnie says "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnnie, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnnie says, "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob."

All of a sudden, little Johnnie needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, "Teacher, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now little Johnnie, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go."
Little Johnnie thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael." Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnnie.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

Little Johnnie was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnnie replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnnie answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business."

Monday, June 23, 2008

Friday Five (from insane journal friday five asylum

okay so it is late. oh well.

1. First time you told someone you were in love with them?
Seventh grade though I should have saved my breath and not bothered. Her mother told her "some girls go through a phase." Arrrrgh.

2. First time you threw up from too much alcohol?

Eleventh grade in the springtime.

3. First time you took your drivers test?

Grade Twelve. I failed the first time. Dad took me the second time and I did very well.

4. First time you saw snow/the ocean (whichever is more exotic)?

I have never not known snow or the ocean.

5. First thought when I say "tasty undies"?

Edible underwear.

Marriage for ALL

I think that the government should get out of the marriage business completely.
I think that anyone who gets married in a church, circle, synagogue, temple... that should be called marriage regardless of the genders of the folks involved.
I think that anyone who gets married before a judge...that should be called a civil union.
Both words should be interchangeable with the same rights and responsibilities.

But failing that, then YES absolutely-- screw this civil union/domestic partner crap.

It's the right thing to do.

Friday, June 20, 2008

No readers, this one is not about any of my obsessive thoughts about VESID sucks.

Friday. Today is Friday. Friday it is. It is Friday today.
Friday is the day that mate and I go to the bookstore.
I got a Richard Dawkins book (passing nod to all those who hate him for being uppity, crass, and an atheist) which talks about evolution. I am studying my ancestors.

To those who don't know, I am technically an atheist along with being a witch, bisexual, woman, newly Discordian (yes dearheart, you do have to eat a hotdog without its' bun in a park on a Friday)-- Hail Eris, and an evolutionist. Oh yes; and hater of VESID (VESID sucks)-- I did promise an obsession free entry today didn't I, lover of my mate, the internet sleezy as it is at times, my dog and cats and frogs and trees and woods, defender of separation of church and state, supporter of civil rights for all civils.
So shoot me.

In the news: an autistic girl in Canada. Seems the educational aide went to a psychic who asked her, "Are you working with a girl whose name starts with a V?" (yes). "She is being sexually abused by a guy between the ages of 23 and 26." The school did the only logical thing-- Children's Aid Society was called. (Americans: think Child Abuse Hotline or D.S.S.).
Mom was then presented with a list of "behaviors" that could possibly constitute signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. Mom protested. Victoria is severely autistic. The Children's Aid Society fortunately was not willing to put stock in a psychic's tip. The report was taken and then quickly dismissed. Mom has sought legal advice regarding the possibility of lawsuit. Meanwhile, Victoria is not going to school. Mom is not going to work. The two are home together all day.

What stupidity! The "for entertainment only" psychic prompted this whole thing. And as almost always, it is the kids who suffer. Victoria was in a self-contained classroom with five other kids. She is non-verbal, entering puberty, lacks inhibitions. The principal interpreted licking a table and gyrating against staff bodies as being indicative of sexual abuse. Some people don't have the sense they were born with.

The psychic shold be prosecuted as being fraudalent, the teacher's aide should be fired, and Victoria should be going to school somewhere.

For dinner tonight-- pizza from a restaurant. Hooray. It was delicious. On the teevee, court teevee as usual. This morning-- dog and I walked our two miles. Mate has been ordered to walk two miles a day by his heart doc. Since he hasn't been or he is slowly working up to it (we will see) I've decided to do it for him. Perhaps he will have some benefits via osmosis.

I visited buddies on multiply tonight. The journals: live, commie, and insane-- will be done tomorrow. The miscellaneous ones: myspace, 360, paganspace-- Sunday.

I'm still doing second life stuff.

if for some strange reason you feel compelled to join up. Don't bother getting the paid account. Leave me your secondlife name in your comments and I will contact you to give you the url to my secondlife home where you can stay for free.

I am learning 3D building and scripting there. Not to put too fine a spin on things, my buildings all resemble something that someone with brain damage would create. (Well, I do have brain damage. It's called "traumatic brain injury" in polite society.).

Tomorrow is run through the house wildly picking up crap and sticking it somewhere out of sight day. My dad wants to come up on Sunday if it isn't raining.

There. A semi-average post.


Friday, June 13, 2008

Favorite Quotes

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it."

- Pablo Picasso

Among the many crimes committed against the younger generation, one of the worst is that young people are taught next to nothing about reason, rationality, or the importance of critical thinking.

— Nathaniel Branden

Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth.

-- Madeleine L'Engle

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A Second Life Prayer, adapted from the Our Father

Nope, I didn't write this one. But someone did and made it freely available on Second Life.
If you've never been on Second Life, you won't understand it.
So don't worry about it.
If you have been on Second Life, then you will know that
S.L. stands for 'still lagging.'

Our Lindens,
Who art in the Labs,
Hallowed be thy prims.
Thy Grid-dom come, thy will be done,
On sims, as it is in The Preview.
Give us this day our daily crash,
And forgive us our Spammery.
As we forgive those who grief against us
And lead us not into private parcels.
But deliver us from Lag.