Happy Christmas 12/24/08

Dear People,

I am sorry I haven't been here once again.
I fell several weeks ago while walking-- landed flat on my back-- and fell again three days after that. Actually I fainted after a shower. I fell on my right side but fortunately had protected my head with my arm.

My back, which wasn't great due to the motor vehicle accident I'd been in that also gave me the traumatic brain injury, is now a spasming mess on the right side. Can't hardly bend to the right, can't move the right arm out to reach all that much, can't get in or out of a chair without extreme pain and difficulty.

Two trips to the doc resulted in a script for physical therapy which I am glad to say I will be starting next week. The muscle spasms in my back aren't bad as long as I don't breathe, shift positions, or move in any way. Traction is beginning to look like something desirable.

I will be back when I can. Meanwhile:

1). Happy Christmas and happy everything else too,
2). I hope that the president-elect is able to help the u.s.a. out of the mess we are in but I sorta think we are screwed anyways,
3). I saw two pileated woodpeckers the other day pecking on a telephone pole while they were hanging upside down. Very beautiful.

Be well my friends. And if you can't be well, then be weller.

spike

Stark

Yesterday the dog and I went walking along the old canal tow path. I heard the peepers and some crows. There was also something hiding a large navy body in the swamp grass-- possibly a gallinule or some similar rail bird. I didn't know the peepers were still out. I felt the light dancing of rain against my face. I saw three blue jays, one beautiful female cardinal, and a dead wolf-like animal along the side of the road coming back.

sapphoq n friends

Reeling in Pain

Dear Little Sister,

Dad went for his two hour evaluation at Sunnyview Hospital for his
driving today.
He had some sitdown tests and then he and the evaluator went out
driving for 45 minutes.

Although Dad's reaction time is above average for his age,
he has visual inattention, poor visual scanning, poor color
discrimination, depth perception and

peripheral vision losses, poor impulse control all which indicate that
he should not be driving at all.

It was obvious to me during the pen and paper testing that Dad does have
some cognitive losses, memory losses (can't remember three words a few

minutes later-- 2 out of 3), sequencing difficulties (drawing lines
dot to dot in order
and serial sevens), has visual discrimination problems (multitude of
examples throughout

the testing and not able to be corrected by glasses) and his distance
vision corrected
is 20/40 (near for reading corrected is 20/30).

When the evaluator took him driving, she had to grab the wheel at one point
in order to prevent Dad from turning in front of another vehicle.

There were other problems with the driving also:
high distractibility, driving 15 mph below the speed limit at some points,

stopping too soon before a red light, allowing someone at a stop sign to
proceed through even though Dad himself didn't have a stop sign in
front of him...

and other stuff. The driving evaluator told Dad emphatically and several
times in several different ways that the time for him to quit driving is NOW.

His safety while driving is inconsistent. The fact that he was at one time an
excellent driver shows however it is about 50/50 right now. During the

45 minute driving session he was either excellent for 50 percent of the time
and totally unsafe the other 50 percent.

Dad did not take this news very well (as was expected-- who would?) and
does not wish to talk about it yet. He did allow me to drive home and to

the diner for lunch. He also does not want to talk about his own dad
who died in a car crash in Florida when I was in second grade.

The evaluator is not allowed to send the results to motor vehicles but
she is forwarding the results to George (our primary care doc) who is

supposed to write Dad a letter. I will see if I can get him to go see George
to talk about it without me there. Dad really needs to see a neurodoc

(fortunately there is an excellent neurodoc in Albany who is an expert
on dementias and is also informed about traumatic brain injuries)

at this point so we can get a definitive diagnosis on exactly what type of
dementia he is having (or if it is an undiagnosed brain injury from one of his

accidents?) and then the proper medication for the kind of dementia it is.
The proper meds are specific to what kind of dementia as some meds are

counter-indicated in some types of dementia but work well for others.
I am going to inquire about trains since there is a station in Montvale and

there are decidedly times when Dad wants to go to New Jersey without me.
Also because of my own brain injury I really have to stop at every rest area

or every other rest area on any trip longer than 45 minutes. So at this point
unless the State of New Jersey steps in and pulls the license, I really can't

stop Dad from driving. At least we know definitively and from an objective
source that Dad should not be driving at all.

It is bad news for sure, more evidence that Dad is not well neurologically.
Hard for us to hear and go through. Even harder for him.

Love,
spike

Monday Meme

http://www.blogthings.com/whathandgestureareyouquiz/
I am...

You Are a Peace Sign

Your life philosophy can be summed up as, "Take it easy." Your greatest wish is to have a world with less conflict and suffering.In your everyday life, you are empathetic and caring.You do your best to keep the peace, even when other people aren't cooperating.

What Hand Gesture Are You?

Spike's Wishes

Spike's Wishes for All of Us:

Oh that today we not afraid of our essential solitude!
That we are able to extract what joy there may be in life today wherever we may be.
For life is sacred and we don't really know how long we have here.
Let us celebrate life deeply.

Wherever we are, that we don't have too many regrets over what could have been.
That when we are stuck, we remember that we have options even if we do not know recognize them yet.
Knowing that all of us are capable of great things that go unacknowledged,
That we will find those great things and do them anyway.

Oh that we embrace all of who we are!
That we love carefully and selectively and honestly.
That we do not negate our selves for the benefit of others
who would use and abuse us.


To know as much happiness as we have known pain,
as much love as we have known hatred,
as much comfort as we have known heartbreak.
That we keep striving until we can strive no more.

spike

*posting from a library in the middle of nowhere island maine.
*will be back in civ Sunday night.

Dear Asswipe 7/5/08

A big fuck you going out to V.E.S.I.D. for operational failure.
Taking the side of the stoopid job developer in demanding I get a "return to work" note for a vertigo attack-- bovine fecal matter.
Furthermore, as far as "return to work," what work?
Screw off.
If you aren't going to help me, then get the fuck out of my way.

No love,
the traumatic brain-injury malcontent on your overflowing caseload.

The Nursing Home

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok,
but they won't let me fart."

a big shout-out to the folks at the Comedy Club

Author Unknown: from an e-mail going around

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had surely arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best

More Little Johnnies

Little Johnnie was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.


Little Johnnie stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.


Little Johnnie said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Little Johnnie replied, "Then you ask him".

***

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to
Little Johnnie who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.


Little Johnnie replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Little Johnnie replied, "They will in a minute."


***

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Little Johnnie answered, "Thou shall not kill."

***

One day
Little Johnnie was sitting and watching his mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. He suddenly noticed that his mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

He looked at his mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

His mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


Little Johnnie thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

***

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


Little Johnnie's voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

***

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"


Little Johnnie shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

***

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.


Little Johnnie had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Showers of the Sexes

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1). Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2). Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3). Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can whine about how you're getting fat.

4). Get in the shower, look for face cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.
5). Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6). Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7). Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner.
8) . Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9). Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffra cake body wash.

10). Rinse conditioner off hair (taking fifteen minutes to make sure it has all come off).
11). Shave armpits and legs.
12). Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure and temperature changes.

13). Turn off the shower.
14). Squeegee off all the wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15). Get out of shower and dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16) . Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) . If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1). Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2). Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way shake your wiener at her making the "Woo" sound.
3). Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror.

4). Scratch your privates and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
5). Get in the shower.
6). Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

7). Wash your face.
8). Wash your armpits.
9). Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10). Wash your privates and surrounding area.
11). Wash you butt, leaving hair on soap bar.
12). Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13). Make a shampoo Mohawk of your hair..
14). Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15). Pee (in the shower).

16). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17). Partially dry off.
18). Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19). Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20). Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21). Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

22). Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

Santa in Ozland

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered "not tonight dear I have a headache".

The man replied "is that your final answer"? She said "yes".

The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend".



What Will You Have?

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"



Randoms

After a few days, the Lord said to Adam: "It's time to start populating the earth, go behind a bush with Eve and kiss her."
"What's a kiss?" asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was quite enjoyable."
And the Lord said: "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, go and caress Eve."
"What's a caress?' asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was even more enjoyable than the kiss."
And the Lord said: "You've done well, Adam, now it is time to make love to Eve."
"What is 'make love,' Lord?"
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, but this time he emerged in two seconds and said: "Lord, what's a headache?"

---

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
____________________________________________

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
_____________________________________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.



Exercise for Older Adults

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
Arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then
try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.



And Finally...

Santa Clauses in Australia were advised to say, "Ha Ha Ha," in Australia instead of "Ho Ho Ho."
Why you might ask?
Cuz the word "ho" refers to prostitutes in the United States.
It has been reported that some Santas had the good sense to refuse.

sapphoq n friends

Host Hostage has been lolCatified by Owlmirror

[http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/fyi.php#comment-980385]
Below is an excellent rendition of Wafergate which has been LOLCatified by the Illustrious Owlmirror.
(sapphoq reviews says: full of win!)

The following was copied and pasted from Owlmirror's comment over at P.Z. Meyer's science blog:

Being aware of All Internet Traditions™, I think we all know that no Internet Phenomenon is complete until it has been properly LOLCATIFIED.

Thus, we present for ur lolz:

WAFERGATE

OR

CEILING CATLOLIC IS WATCHING YOU MASTICATE

Act I, Scene I
University of Central Florida, Catholic Chapel

PRIEST: JEBUS HAS A FLAVR!

PARISHIONER 1: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 1: NOM NOM NOM

PARISHIONER 2: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 2: NOM NOM NOM

PARISHIONER 3: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 3: NOM NOM NOM

WEBSTER COOK: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
WEBSTER COOK: YAY, JEBUS CRACKER SOOVENEER!
PRIEST: WAIT, WHUT?
WEBSTER COOK: KTHXBYE

PARISHIONERS: NO! YOU NO CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER! NOT YOURS!

WEBSTER COOK: FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW

PARISHIONERS: OMGWTFBBQ!!!!!
PARISHIONERS: NOOOOOOO! HE BE STEALIN OUR JEBUS CRACKER!!!

Act II, Scene I
Diocese of Orlando

GONZALEZ: HALP! JEBUS CRACKER IS KIDNAPPED!
SUSAN FANI: STEALIN JEBUS CRACKER IS HAET CRIEM!

Act II, Scene II
Catholic League

DONAHUE: STEALIN JEBUS CRACKER IS TERRIBLE HAET CRIEM!
DONAHUE: EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE!

Act III, Scene I
University of Central Florida

EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE SAD
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE WANT JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE MAD
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE WANT JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE FIND YOU
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE BRAEK IN
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE KEEELL YOU
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
WEBSTER COOK: DO! NOT!! WANT!!!

Act III, Scene II
University of Central Florida

WEBSTER COOK: DO NOT WANT JEBUS CRACKER. TAEK IT.
PARISHIONERS: YAY! WE CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER!
PARISHIONERS: WE GET COPS TO GAURD JEBUS CRACKERS NOW.
WEBSTER COOK: WTF?

Act IV, Scene I
Pharyngula Headquarters

PZ MYERS: WTFBBQ!!!
PZ MYERS: CATLOLICS GO APESHIT OVER JEBUS CRACKER!
PZ MYERS: IT'S A GODDAMN FRACKIN' CRACKER!
PZ MYERS: TEH STUPID, IT BURNZ!
PZ MYERS: WANT CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKERS!
PZ MYERS: DE-SE-CRATE! DE-SE-CRATE! DE-SE-CRATE!

PHARYNGULA: LOL
PHARYNGULA: SAD CATHOLICS ARE SAD
PHARYNGULA: CONCERN TROLLS ARE CONCERNED
PHARYNGULA: ANGER TROLLS ARE ANGRY
PHARYNGULA: HATE TROLLS ARE HATIN
PHARYNGULA: SOCKPUPPETS ARE SAD+CONCERNED+ANGRY+HATIN
PHARYNGULA: WTF! SOMEONE IS WRONG ON TEH INTERNETS!
PHARYNGULA: THEY SEE US SCOFFIN, THEY HATIN
PHARYNGULA: (Repeat above 1000 tiems)
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: AAAAOOOOOGAAAAH! OVERLOAD!
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: ERROR 500 SERVER ERROR!
PZ MYERS: WTF! NEW THREAD.

Act IV, Scene II
Catholic League

DONAHUE: DESECRATIN JEBUS CRACKER IS WORSE THAN HAYT CRIEM!
DONAHUE: EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE!

Act IV, Scene III
Pharyngula Headquarters

PZ MYERS: WILLAIM DONAHUE IS DEMENTED
PZ MYERS: PHARYNGULA! HALP!
PHARYNGULA: PZ MYERS IS TEH AWE SUM!
PHARYNGULA: SAD CATHOLICS ARE SAD
PHARYNGULA: CONCERN TROLLS ARE CONCERNED
PHARYNGULA: ANGER TROLLS ARE ANGRY
PHARYNGULA: HATE TROLLS ARE HATIN
PHARYNGULA: SOCKPUPPETS ARE SAD+CONCERNED+ANGRY+HATIN
PHARYNGULA: WTF! SOMEONE IS WRONG ON TEH INTERNETS!
PHARYNGULA: THEY SEE US SCOFFIN, THEY HATIN
PHARYNGULA: (Repeat above 1000 tiems)
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: AAAAOOOOOGAAAAH! OVERLOAD!
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: ERROR 500 SERVER ERROR!
PZ MYERS: WTF! NEW THREAD.

Act IV, Scene IV
Pharyngula Headquarters

PHARYNGULA: SECOND THIRD FOURTH FIFTH VERSE, SAME AS TEH FIRST
PZ MYERS: HEY! SOCKPUPPETS! GET OFF OF MY LAWN!
PHARYNGULA: (REPEAT SUM MOAR)

TEH END.......?

Posted by: Owlmirror | July 12, 2008 4:37 PM

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2008/07/fyi.php#comment-980385

Discordian Funnies

A big shout-out to the Discordian Dude over at
http://www.maui.net/~discord/eris/text/humor.txt
for this one, copied and pasted word for word from there:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a  good

meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.



Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."



Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."



"What does that tell you?"



Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there

are millions of  galaxies  and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I

deduce that the time is approximately a  quarter  past  three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we  are

small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have

a beautiful day tomorrow. . . .   What does it tell you?"



Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you dope.

Somebody has stolen our tent."

and for this one:

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
• Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
• Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
• Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
• Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
• Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
• Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
• Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
• Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
• Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
• Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
• Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
• Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
• Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
• Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
• Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
• Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
• Creationism: God made all shit.
• Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
• Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
• Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
• Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
• Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
• Darwinism: This shit was once food.
• Capitalism: That's MY shit.
• Communism: It's everybody's shit.
• Feminism: Men are shit.
• Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
• Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
• Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
• Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
• Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
• Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
• Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
• Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
• Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
• Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
• Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
• Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<>
• Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
• Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
• Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
• Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
• Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
• Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
• Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
• Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
• Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
• Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
• Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
• Atheism: What shit?
• Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
• Nihilism: No shit.
• Discordian #1: Who gives a shit?

It's been real. It's been fun. It's even been real fun.

Google Search Meme

snagged from

merlinwon
a blogging buddy on Live Journal

:

Type in what the questions ask you into google search and use the first thing that comes up as your answer.

1. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
2. Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
3. Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
4. Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
5. Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
6. Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
7. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search
8. Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
9. Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
10. Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
11. Type in "[your name] gets" in the Google search:
12. Type in "[your name] eats" in the Google search:
13. Type in "[your name] can" in the Google search:
14. Type in "[your name] drinks" in the Google search:
15. Type in "[your name] makes" in the Google search:

and my results

Spike needs to give "Carpocalypse" to another station.
spike looks like a bubble about to burst
SPiKE LiKES blends sensible design fundamentals with exceptional creativity.
SPIKE SAYS, "The Man Is Not My Father!"
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does [the] right thing.
Spike hates chickens.
Spike goes to Venice.
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact
.Spike gets more macho.
Spike eats a worm.
Spike can copy word revisions.
Spike drinks at home.
Spike makes [her] bones.

Modded

Spike needs...another station, [another selection, or to change the channel].
Spike looks like a bubble about to burst.
Spike likes the sensible, [the practical, the logical].
Spike says, "This man is not my father."
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does the right thing.
Spike hates chickens [who lack guts and fortitude].
Spike goes to Venice [in her dreams].
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact.
Spike gets more macho.
Spike [has never] eat[en] a worm.
Spike can...revise [words].
Spike drinks [diet soda] at home.
Spike makes [no] bones [about it].

Revised

Spike loves Luke but she wants the girl.
She makes no bones about it.
It is the girl she wants, not Luke.

In her dreams, spike sweeps the young woman
off her feet and they fly off to Mexico for a holiday.
Or perhaps to San Francisco, San Diego, Montreal.

Spike has been accused of being macho,
called a bull-dyke, or a chicken before
but she does not shrug from doing the right thing.

She is sensible, practical, and logical.
She knows that when it comes to straights
the fantasy is better than the reality.

She stays home, drinking diet soda
and watching a corny movie where the heroine says,
"This man is not my father."

Sighing, she changes the station.
Then she takes out the latest manuscript
and revises the words. She dreams

of making a huge splash, an impact.
She dreams of making it big
in books and in love.

Little Johnnie Jokes

a big shout-out to Trasa

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnnie.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnnie says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnnie replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Little Johnnie returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'and I said '6'", replies Little Johnnie.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Little Johnnie goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnnie says "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnnie, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnnie says, "No teacher, you're thinking of a blowjob."

All of a sudden, little Johnnie needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, "Teacher, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now little Johnnie, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and
I will allow you to go."
Little Johnnie thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael." Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnnie.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

Little Johnnie was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."Little Johnnie replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnnie answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business."

Friday Five (from insane journal friday five asylum

okay so it is late. oh well.

1. First time you told someone you were in love with them?
Seventh grade though I should have saved my breath and not bothered. Her mother told her "some girls go through a phase." Arrrrgh.

2. First time you threw up from too much alcohol?
Eleventh grade in the springtime.

3. First time you took your drivers test?
Grade Twelve. I failed the first time. Dad took me the second time and I did very well.

4. First time you saw snow/the ocean (whichever is more exotic)?
I have never not known snow or the ocean.

5. First thought when I say "tasty undies"?
Edible underwear.

Marriage for ALL

I think that the government should get out of the marriage business completely.
I think that anyone who gets married in a church, circle, synagogue, temple... that should be called marriage regardless of the genders of the folks involved.
I think that anyone who gets married before a judge...that should be called a civil union.
Both words should be interchangeable with the same rights and responsibilities.

But failing that, then YES absolutely-- screw this civil union/domestic partner crap.

MARRIAGE FOR ALL REGARDLESS OF REAL OR ASSUMED GENDER OF SELF OR PARTNER
It's the right thing to do.

No readers, this one is not about any of my obsessive thoughts about VESID sucks.

Friday. Today is Friday. Friday it is. It is Friday today.
Friday is the day that mate and I go to the bookstore.
I got a Richard Dawkins book (passing nod to all those who hate him for being uppity, crass, and an atheist) which talks about evolution. I am studying my ancestors.

To those who don't know, I am technically an atheist along with being a witch, bisexual, woman, newly Discordian (yes dearheart, you do have to eat a hotdog without its' bun in a park on a Friday)-- Hail Eris, and an evolutionist. Oh yes; and hater of VESID (VESID sucks)-- I did promise an obsession free entry today didn't I, lover of my mate, the internet sleezy as it is at times, my dog and cats and frogs and trees and woods, defender of separation of church and state, supporter of civil rights for all civils.
So shoot me.


In the news: an autistic girl in Canada. Seems the educational aide went to a psychic who asked her, "Are you working with a girl whose name starts with a V?" (yes). "She is being sexually abused by a guy between the ages of 23 and 26." The school did the only logical thing-- Children's Aid Society was called. (Americans: think Child Abuse Hotline or D.S.S.).
Mom was then presented with a list of "behaviors" that could possibly constitute signs and symptoms of sexual abuse. Mom protested. Victoria is severely autistic. The Children's Aid Society fortunately was not willing to put stock in a psychic's tip. The report was taken and then quickly dismissed. Mom has sought legal advice regarding the possibility of lawsuit. Meanwhile, Victoria is not going to school. Mom is not going to work. The two are home together all day.

http://www.nationalpost.com/most_popular/story.html?id=597195

http://toronto.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20080618/
psychic_abuse_080618/20080618/?hub=TorontoNewHome

http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=71516

http://timestranscript.canadaeast.com/newstoday/article/329416

http://canadianpress.google.com/article/ALeqM5hM0zeYRJKc_mp6Lk1JVDqVLIdwSA

http://www.barrieadvance.com/barrieadvance/article/108266

What stupidity! The "for entertainment only" psychic prompted this whole thing. And as almost always, it is the kids who suffer. Victoria was in a self-contained classroom with five other kids. She is non-verbal, entering puberty, lacks inhibitions. The principal interpreted licking a table and gyrating against staff bodies as being indicative of sexual abuse. Some people don't have the sense they were born with.

The psychic shold be prosecuted as being fraudalent, the teacher's aide should be fired, and Victoria should be going to school somewhere.



For dinner tonight-- pizza from a restaurant. Hooray. It was delicious. On the teevee, court teevee as usual. This morning-- dog and I walked our two miles. Mate has been ordered to walk two miles a day by his heart doc. Since he hasn't been or he is slowly working up to it (we will see) I've decided to do it for him. Perhaps he will have some benefits via osmosis.

I visited buddies on multiply tonight. The journals: live, commie, and insane-- will be done tomorrow. The miscellaneous ones: myspace, 360, paganspace-- Sunday.

I'm still doing second life stuff.
http://www.secondlife.com/?u=492430f4263844fdb2cb9ef952ebf4a1

if for some strange reason you feel compelled to join up. Don't bother getting the paid account. Leave me your secondlife name in your comments and I will contact you to give you the url to my secondlife home where you can stay for free.

I am learning 3D building and scripting there. Not to put too fine a spin on things, my buildings all resemble something that someone with brain damage would create. (Well, I do have brain damage. It's called "traumatic brain injury" in polite society.).

Tomorrow is run through the house wildly picking up crap and sticking it somewhere out of sight day. My dad wants to come up on Sunday if it isn't raining.

There. A semi-average post.

spike

Favorite Quotes

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it."

- Pablo Picasso

Among the many crimes committed against the younger generation, one of the worst is that young people are taught next to nothing about reason, rationality, or the importance of critical thinking.

— Nathaniel Branden

Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth.

-- Madeleine L'Engle

A Second Life Prayer, adapted from the Our Father

Nope, I didn't write this one. But someone did and made it freely available on Second Life.
If you've never been on Second Life, you won't understand it.
So don't worry about it.
If you have been on Second Life, then you will know that
S.L. stands for 'still lagging.'
spike

Our Lindens,
Who art in the Labs,
Hallowed be thy prims.
Thy Grid-dom come, thy will be done,
On sims, as it is in The Preview.
Give us this day our daily crash,
And forgive us our Spammery.
As we forgive those who grief against us
And lead us not into private parcels.
But deliver us from Lag.
Amen.

Voted Out of Kindergarten-- Alex Barton

The blond-haired little boy stared back at me from a photo distributed on the w.w.w. [w.w.w. = world wide wasteoftime]. In a parody of democracy in action, Alex Barton was voted out of kindergarten for the remainder of the school day last Wednesday. His crime? Having a neurological condition called Asperger's and some associated behavioral problems. The teacher-- a Wendy Portillo-- cajoled her class into voting. And reportedly had children describe what they didn't like about young Alex. One reported adjective was "disgusting." Two kids voted to keep Alex in the classroom that day. The majority voted that he be excluded. Alex who was just returned to the class from the principal's office for his behavior spent the rest of the school day in the nurse's office. Needless to say, Alex has not been thrilled about his experience.

Although folks on both sides of the issue have resorted to name-calling, what I find even more repugnant are the public comments which support Wendy Portillo in her actions. Her excuse ran something like teaching the children about tallying. I wasn't there but I have an opinion anyways-- bovine fecal matter to that. Was the teacher lying about the whys and wherefores of her ill-advised election activity a la Survivor fashion? Nah, she was just being reckless with the truth.

Yes, I know how difficult it can be to maintain reasonable discipline and order in any rowdy bunch of human beings. Been there, done that. Yes I am intimately acquainted with the cluster of symptoms which comprise Asperger's. Of course I know how aggravating it is to herd cats.

I also know the frustration of living with atypical neurology.

I do not belong to the Autism Squeaks camp. [Autism Speaks but not for me, a curebie organization of unhappy parents]. I don't understand why forcing eye contact is such a big deal to neurotypicals, don't wish to blend in, will not give up my passions, and certainly will continue to celebrate diversity. I hate all clothing that is not cotton. I detest polyester and nylon in particular. I don't use makeup or wear high heels. I used to stare at the dust specks illuminated by the sunlight pouring through a window. I was clumsy rather than graceful and the last to be picked for any gym class team. I have been accused of staring too long, daydreaming, having obsessions with the things that are of intense interest to me, being intense or too intense or thinking too much about weird things or the wrong things, eating food in a specific order rather than varying what is on the fork from bite to bite, eating the same thing for breakfast daily, not making small talk, not caring about small talk or the lives of celebrities, being a geek or a space cadet or pedantic, not fitting in. And worse, daring to be content with my own company and my own internal focus and my own way of being.

No Child Left Behind. One Child Voted Out.

radical sapphoq says: A huge phooey to Wendy Portillo. As an adult and as a teacher, I cannot believe that she didn't have other options for dealing with a misbehaving five year old.
While I support reasonable discipline and consequences for one's actions, I abhor what happened to Alex Barton. I sincerely hope that he will find a new classroom where he is valued for who he is, a teacher who knows about the issues that people on the broad autistic spectrum face and who has a better arsenal of tools for keeping order in a classroom.

Bev over at Autism Square 8 has an excellent list of who to write to should anyone feel so inclined:
http://aspergersquare8.blogspot.com/2008/05/not-special-support-alex-barton.html

Educate yourselves if you wish to. Here is a partial incomplete list which includes two news articles from the same newspaper in Florida and some other bloggers who are blogging about this crapola:

excellent thoughts about this whole mess
http://lastcrazyhorn.wordpress.com/2008/05/25/the-golden-rule/

Laura Hershey
http://crip-power.com/2008/05/27/thoughts-on-alex-barton-and-the-way-we-organize/

the politics of exclusion
http://qw88nb88.wordpress.com/2008/05/25/mend-the-link/

Amanda
http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=538

an interview with Alex Barton and his mother
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/05/27/earlyshow/main4130288.shtml


two Palm Beach Post articles-- links working as of 5/28/08
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/treasurecoast/content/tcoast/epaper/
2008/05/27/0527slteacher.html#comments

and
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/treasurecoast/content/tcoast/epaper/
2008/05/23/0523slclassvote.html?cxntlid=inform_artr

No Speak English

thanks Jer for passing this one along.

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails or whatever you were doing.

I don't know about you sometimes!

Another Little Johnnie Joke 5/23/08

a big shout-out to JoJo for passing along this one!


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded
by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Howdy folks

It's been awhile since I've blogged here or anywhere. So shoot me.
1. I've gotten caught up in SecondLife:
http://www.secondlife.com/?u=492430f4263844fdb2cb9ef952ebf4a1
if anyone wants to check it out for some reason or other.

2. A close friend who is an addict was in the hospital and I was engaged in daily fighting to get her adequate pain relief.

3. I had a two week vertigo attack which caused more VESID stupidity.

4. I just needed a break.

I'm back.

spike



What do you call the meatless soup that a Rastafarian is consuming while driving a motorcycle?
Marley Harley Barley.

Dad's Dilemma

My dad is currently in the throes of a difficult divorce and may or may not be coming to live with us. I've spent the last week alternating between bouts of frantic cleaning/organization and vertigo supposedly induced by a "virus in the labyrinth of the ear" for which I am currently being forced to take Meclizine. Fortunately, I have found a housecleaner who was able to help. (And I plan to keep her on regular once a week as a result of all of this.)

Dad was supposedly driving up Monday or Tuesday for a day visit to check out "what's up there."

We spent Saturday driving around with Big Ed who helped up pick out an eight drawer dresser and a full-sized futon/bed along with two lamps. Big Ed also found a fellow to help unload the stuff. Husband put together the futon, lamp, and dresser-- rather impressive I must admit-- leaving me only the drawer handles to screw into place.

Sunday afternoon Dad called to announce that he was halfway here. I was instantly glad that we had set up the bedroom on Saturday. We scurried around like rats to scrap away the last remnants of sludge from the homestead. A couple hours later and still no dad.

The police department called. First thing I said without even saying hello was, "Is my father alright?"

Turns out his cell phone stopped functioning so he went to the police department. The desk sarge was good-natured and hunted through four log books before finding our address and phone number. We went down to the police station to pick up my dad.

Dad had worn a leather jacket. For years now I have been telling him that it really is colder up here but to no avail. We got him home and warmed him up and then went to a diner for a bite to eat. Husband lent him a warmer jacket. After dinner, we spent some time with the telly. The dog and the most courageous cat spent some time pestering-- I mean getting to know-- the stranger in the easy chair.

Dad slept in the bedroom we had set up for him that night. The next morning, husband went off to work. Dad and I went out to breakfast at the same diner, I gave him a brief tour of Hiserville, he shoveled some ice off of the driveway, and then he was off.

He doesn't know if or when he is moving in yet. I am not terribly interested in him spending another moment in the condo with my soon to be ex-stepmother but it is not my call. There was a bit of cognitive slippage that was noticeable-- "vagueness" is the word that husband used. I sure hope it is not some sort of dementia or neuro problem in vitro.

If it is, that just makes the whole divorce thing that much more horrid. In other words, dumping a mate because he got older and broker bites. Dumping a mate because he got older, broker, and may be showing signs of losing it is total suckage.

Oh, I know that it takes two to make a problem. After all, I am still my father's daughter. The only thing that stops me from telling my soon to be ex-stepmother where she can get off is my half-sister who is her daughter and really hurting about all of this.

spike

Link

http://www.commiejournal.com/users/sapphoq/19624.html

Five for FryDay 2/29/08

http://asylums.insanejournal.com/thefridayfive/

xo_tara_xo of insane journal's asylum The Friday Five says: Something's gone terribly wrong with the F5 entry.

I keep putting in the questions and all that come up are the answers. So I look to you for the questions...

Answers
1. scrambled eggs and bacon

2. 11:34pm

3. *$%#@!

4. Banana Peel

5. Jello


Alrighty then, here are my questions:

1. What breakfast do you never eat anymore?
2. What time do you think you will go to bed tonight?
3. What do you think about working for a living?
4. What do you never put into banana bread?
5. What can you fill a bathtub with to make it an inviting place to have sex?

sapphoq n friends

The Politics of Dining

a shoutout to happyhead, thanks for this:

Anarchy: All the food is piled in the middle of the room and it's every person for themselves.

Theocracy: Your Pastor invites himself to dinner with you on Friday and forces everyone to eat fish.

Dictatorship: A single customer and his goons overthrow the restaurant and take control over the food. People that join or support them get better food. Those that don't, starve or get crappy food.

Monarchy: A family run restaurant that has been passed down through the generations. Every generation the restaurant is different. Some owners were kind and fair, charged reasonable prices for good food. Other owners were tyrants that overcharged the customers and served them slop. Some were just horribly inept or insane and pretty much ruined it.

Fascism: The restaurant rules with an iron hand. You eat whatever they decide to serve or you "leave".

Communism: Everyone gets the exact same meal (but if you hand the waiter a $20 he will bring out better food and dessert).

Oligarchy: The management is from a different restaurant chain. So that's why you see tacos and refried beans at a Chinese Buffet.

Republic: A party of customers votes on which one of them goes up and orders the food for the entire table.

Democracy: A party of customers all vote and argue over what dish ALL of them will have to eat. Two hours go by and they still haven't decided.

Wikileaking Wikileaks

Any of you who have been following the drama over at Wikileaks will be glad to know that following this here linkage: http://88.80.13.160/wiki/Wikileaks will get you there (a mirror site from Sweden) for the time being anyways. Alternate linkage outside of the United States was part of the original plan-- to have sites set up in various countries should the courts of one country succeed in getting a shutdown order. Here's another one, this one is based in England: http://www.wikileaks.org.uk/wiki/Wikileaks .

Wikileaks protects whistle-blowers from corporations (or governments) who would much rather not have folks tattling on any suspicious practices. Recently, a Swiss bank challenged Wikileaks and now the site is facing a court battle with the United States versus responsible exercise of the First Amendment. Bloggers across the internet have protested the February 15 court decision and this blogger too joins in the fray. Buzz-flash has quite a few things to say about this whole mess over at: http://www.buzzflash.com/articles/contributors/1545 .

Quite amazing to me is that the court case took place in the United States. While the order to erase the D.N.S. from U.S. servers will certainly not hold up on appeal,http://commons.globalintegrity.org/2008/02/us-court-order-shuts-down-activist-site.html<--- here it is disconcerting that this case involving documents regarding a Swiss bank doing business in the Cayman Islands made it court on United States soil. Still, we are far better off living here than in places like Egypt where one can be severely physically beaten for dissident web-surfing and document leaking or in Red China or even Vietnam where folks have been imprisoned for similar activities.

radical sapphoqcross-posted all over

Wikileaks
first amendment
censorship
sapphoq

LInk

I made a test called "What blogging site am I?"
Go check it out:

Http://www.testriffic.com/test/sapphoq/20910/What-blogging-site-am-I-

What Not to Do When M$ Windows Crashes

1. Set fire to it and sacrifice it to an Aztec deity.
2. Scream loudly, "M$ sucks!"
3. Shove it into your pool to see if it floats.
4. Strap it to your car roof and take it to the nearest computer fix-all storefront operation.
5. Shovel a hole and bury it.

What to Do:

*Learn Linux*

sapphoq n friends

Spam Mail Rag

Safe, approved, and trouble-free,
doing it up reliably. Shake those troubles from your head.
Your power tool rocks the house. Have a party in your bed.
Detox your sex life. Order your drugs on-line with total safety.
Get your loan. Pay your bill. Here's your invoice number.
Your account has been breached. Click here and see
what you won now. Dear Honorable Sir, I need your help.
Send me some money and I will give you back more.
Come to Nigeria and score, score, score.
Hurry hurry hurry get your fake degree.
Don't delay. Fabulous business opportunity today.

spike

It's Caturday

Viking Kitties

http://www.rathergood.com/gaybar/
http://www.vikingkittens.com/

Cannibal

hail to the great 1588:

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

Tourist: $5

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked or Grilled Liberal: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes all morning.”

Potentially and Realistically

a big shout-out to Jake for this one:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied,"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

"Yes," the boy replied, "potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
And an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind
From birth. One day, the

Bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering
Through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the
Bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind
Since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
Orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I am
Also blind from birth and an orphan. I tell you what, maybe I could
Slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have
That going for you."


"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
All over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you
Have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
Tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
Bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
Paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
And slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
In senior management."