Santa in Ozland

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered "not tonight dear I have a headache".

The man replied "is that your final answer"? She said "yes".

The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend".



What Will You Have?

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"



Randoms

After a few days, the Lord said to Adam: "It's time to start populating the earth, go behind a bush with Eve and kiss her."
"What's a kiss?" asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was quite enjoyable."
And the Lord said: "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, go and caress Eve."
"What's a caress?' asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was even more enjoyable than the kiss."
And the Lord said: "You've done well, Adam, now it is time to make love to Eve."
"What is 'make love,' Lord?"
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, but this time he emerged in two seconds and said: "Lord, what's a headache?"

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.



Exercise for Older Adults

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
Arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.


Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then
try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.



And Finally...

Santa Clauses in Australia were advised to say, "Ha Ha Ha," in Australia instead of "Ho Ho Ho."
Why you might ask?
Cuz the word "ho" refers to prostitutes in the United States.
It has been reported that some Santas had the good sense to refuse.

sapphoq n friends