| a big shout-out to Ida from sapphoqnfriends On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at the Whakatane Heads in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the Pope watched, Horrified, a Waka (Canoe) came cruzin up with two men wearing black & white jerseys. Kora quickly chucked a harpoon into the shark`s side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between New Zealand and with my As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the bloody hell was that bro?" "That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but the prick don't know Jack Sh*t about shark fishing......... Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another Aussie?" |
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Pope on a Boat
Friday, September 21, 2007
Halloween Jokes
a big shout out to *SnowRavyn* from sapphoq n friends
What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo-boos
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car? Boo-kle their seat belts
How do you mend a broken Jack-O-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend
What’s a monster’s favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet
What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween? Twick or Tweet
Where do spooks water ski? On Lake Erie
Two Cows Again!
with a shout-out to Krystlprsm from sapphoq n friends
Political Science for Dummies
BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an I.P.O. on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really do have.
TALIBAN
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but instead you use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Political Science for Dummies
BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an I.P.O. on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really do have.
TALIBAN
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but instead you use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Opposites
with a big shout out to RHINO:
Three aspiring psychiatrists who had gotten their pre-med degrees at three different universities were attending their first class in .
"Just to establish some parameters" said the professor to the student from SUNY-Albany, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked the student from Tufts.
"Elation", said the student.
"And you," he said to the student from Oklahoma State University, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Politics
with a big shout-out to Vixen:
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.
The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them all to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is just not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know squat about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Saturday, September 01, 2007
The Dirty Thirty
1. Who ended your last relationship? I did. She was nukin futs.
2. When is the last time you shaved your legs? Last week.
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 AM? Taking the dog for a vigorous walk. I been reading and watching "The Dog Whisperer" and have begun to embrace some of his ideas.
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Checking my e-mail.
5. Are you any good at math? Yes but in a funny way. I am good at solving geometry problems for example but never did understand the why behind having to write out each step in proofs. To me, having to write out each step is stupid.
6. What were you doing last night? Friday night is date night. Husband and I date each other.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Nope.
8. Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex? Yeah. So what? This questionnaire was written by a hetero-ecentric.
9. Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace page? Don't got MySpace. I'm too old.
11. How many different beverages have you drunk today? Three. Diet coke, coffee and water.
12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself? Wish to change: organization non-skills, housework routines, and the ability to translate my vision and creativity into making a living. Uh, that's three. Wishing to change vs. wanting to do the work to change...two different things. I lack motivation and development of options. I keep striving.
I have gotten real good at making charts of my imaginary housework routines.
13. What do you wish for? I wish for truthful politicians.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Yup. In a witch sort of way I have done things like that.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? My mother didn't believe in the use of any numbing agents when the dentist worked on [my] teeth. Anything done in childhood was fairly painful-- from the tooth with the too long roots that had to be extracted to cavities.
16. What is outside your back door? When weeds grow in garden space, they become wildflowers.
17. Any plans for Friday night? Friday night is date night.
18. Do you like music? Yup.
19. Do you work for yourself, in the home, or outside the home? [modified question]. I am currently concentrating on my health.
20. Do you keep in touch with your ex's? No. My exes remain exes for some pretty good reasons.
21. Do you dislike anyone right now? Yeah. So?
22. Something you are excited about? Hope.
23. What is your favorite flavor of Jello? Cherry.
24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? No.
25. Describe your key chain. Uh, which one?
26. [There was no such number, so Morawen made it up.] How many flash drives do you have? A bunch.
27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group? A few weeks ago I think.
28. What kind of winter coat do you have? Several. This question does not excite me.
29. What does your favorite shirt look like? I like old washed out comfortable teeshirts and jeans. I don't wear anything else ever unless I am forced to.
30. Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? This is a stupid question and I am not answering it on the grounds that some readers will assume some sort of dirty sexual innuendos and whatever about me and I'm not having it because I am totally pure and all of that and my husband seems to think that sucking tennis balls through a garden hose is a better skill to have and besides tieing a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue wouldn't even get me a job with the circus and how dare you assume that we all have tongues you hetero-centric question writer you I demand that your personnel office provide you with inservices on sensitivity to the...............
spike
Picture is one I took and doctored. That is my older kitty in it.
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