Friday, October 26, 2007

Three for Thee

Hail to the gang from sapphoqnfriends

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "Well, what the f*ck is the difference?"

The boy says, " That's exactly what I said Dad!"

* * *

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied,"Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

"Yes," the boy replied, "Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

* * *

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the women did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These ladies' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

Saturday, October 13, 2007

A Few Halloween Rules

shouting out to Garnet again from sapphoqnfriends:
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, hoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Ten Houses to Avoid while Trick or Treating

a shout-out to Garnet from sapphoqnfriends

10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole
in the ground.

9. Any house made of food.

8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.

7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.

6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem to

5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out!"

4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking
around the living room.

3. Any house that looks like a giant, pulsating orb
floating 3 feet above the ground.

2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in
odd running poses.

1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago.

Tips for a Practicing Cultist

[collected from web e-mail]
a big shout-out to all the jokesters and tricksters from sapphoqnfriends

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline
in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and
willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by
submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.
1. Pick one faith and stay with it! Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts
unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural
creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. And pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife,
Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, condoms, and change.
7. NEVER be the cultist that roughs up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel
rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don't gloat.
10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die
slowly. They don't.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly,
don't have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last
moment to foil your evil plot.
13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early -- they hate
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely
comfortable with.
16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is generally
considered "bad form."
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the
ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have
never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When
the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between
the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering
monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his deity, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not
feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by
microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam™ is out.


a big shout-out to the buds on the board from sapphoq n friend

Three golfers were walking down the fairway one Saturday morning. Noticing how nice a day it was, one of them shook his head and said, "It is getting harder and harder to get away from home for a weekend game of golf. I had to promise my wife I would paint the bathroom when I get back".

The second golfer agreed. "Tell me about it! I had to promise my wife a trip to Paris to get out here today!"

The third golfer had said nothing by the time they reached the green. "Come on", said his friends, "What did you have to do?"

"It was very simple" said the third golfer. "I tapped my wife on the shoulder this morning at 6am and said 'What's it going to be -- golf or sex?' She turned further over to her side of the bed and said: 'Take plenty of sunscreen with you."


One day a couple at the breakfast table found the wife snorting giggles. The man asked what was funny. She said, "I had an odd dream last night."

"What about?" He asked.

"Well I went to a penis sale."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah, the long thick ones were going for 5 thousand dollars. Those that were a bit shorter were going for 2 thousand."

"What about one like mine?" he asked. "Well, they were plentiful," she answered, "but they were going for a dime a dozen."

The next day they met at the table for breakfast. "You won't believe this," he said, "but I had a dream last night."

"Really," she asked. "What about?"

"Well, I dreamed I went to a vagina sale."

"No kidding?"

"No really, they had vaginas that were small and tight that were going for 10 thousand dollars. Those that were a little stretched out a bit were going for 8 thousand."

"Did they have one like mine?" she asked.

"Well they only had one like yours, honey, but it wasn't for sale. The auctioneer was standing in it to keep his feet warm."


After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter From her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards, Wal-Mart


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"


A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her-- calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note

Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - that there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.


The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, which captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone

The top ten were as follows:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Two Liners

a big shout-out to Paul, Richard, and the rest of the guys from sapphoqnfriends

Did you hear the one about a Chinese cook who had a frigid wife?
He was stuck between a wok and a hard place.

Why don't Scotsman have zippers on their kilts ?
The sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
The golfer goes Smack! Damn. The skydiver goes Damn! Smack.

The difference between an ex-lover and a vulture?
A vulture will wait until you're dead before eating your heart out.

What's the difference between a dead cat in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road ?
There are brake marks in front of the cat.

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a "teethbrush".

How have humans been cheated by evolution?
No wings.


another shout-out to 1588c from sapphoq n friends

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!

We missed the R!

We missed the R! "

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"celebRate !!! "