Of Dogs, Smells, and Robberies: Version Two

The warmish weather has come about two weeks early in the foothills of the Adirondacks this year. I knew this to be so when I first saw the red-wing blackbirds flocking at the feeders. Shortly after, grackles made their presence known and grass began turning green. The artificially neon green no-bugs-or-violets lawn people were out in their trucks spraying all signs of life out of the yards of the people on either side of us. Ticks came out in the woods followed very closely by mosquitoes and ants.

A few days ago, the dog and we set out for a meander through a little trail nearby. All went well until the very end when she sprinted off, running all out up a hill. She came back stinking.

Oatmeal doggie shampoo and bribe (large doggie biscuit) were purchased on the way home. Once there, bedroom door was closed and our smelly victim was lifted into the bathtub. Thus here are the directions for washing my dog:

1. Dog finds something stinky and rolls in it thoroughly.
2. Dog is brought home in a car with all windows opens and human occupants gagging.
3. Dog is coaxed to the bathroom.
4. Dog watches with fear and trepidation as the bathroom door is closed and locked.
5. Dog cowers as the bathtub water is drawn.
6. Dog is deposited into the bathtub by two humans.
7. Dog is washed down with tepid water.
8. Dog curses and tries to get out of tub.
9. Dog is shampooed with smelly oatmeal doggie shampoo.
10. Dog is rinsed off and tries to escape again.
11. Dog is allowed to bolt out of the bathtub.
12. Dog heads for the backdoor and is presented with her biscuit.
13. Dog runs outside and rolls all over the backyard real turf, getting thoroughly muddy.
14. Dog rolls in grass some more.
15. Dog eats biscuit.
16. Dog rolls herself with vigor, covering herself with wholesome foothill Adirondack mud.
17. Dog begs to be let in.
18. Dog drinks water inside as one human wipes most of the mud off dog with a towel.
19. Dog throws herself at various pieces of the furniture in the living room.
20. Dog ignores the protests of the humans sitting in the living room.
21. Dog is satisfied that she has shared mud and water with all living and non-living beings.
22. Dog allows the two cats in residence to approach, sniff, and lick dog.
23. Dog goes to sleep for several hours.


One of my relatives had a German Shepard Dog named Kingy. He was perfectly and admirably trained. In particular, I remember him being put on a sit-stay with the food bowl right in front of him. Kingy would not touch the food until released. Too bad his guard training fell short at a critical time.

Kingy slept in the center of the hallway at night, chained to the wall by a leash. If he minded, he never acted like he had. At any rate, he slept through the house robbery. The crook had gotten away with about seven thousand dollars in cash and exited through the front door. In order to get to the room with the cash in it, the crook had to literally step over the sleeping dog. In order to get to the stairs leading to the front door, the crook again had to step over Kingy.

Kingy did have a fondness for turkey. Or, rather I guess he was an opportunist. One Thanksgiving left alone in the house for about an hour, Kingy demolished an entire turkey left on the kitchen table. (Someone in the family was on their deathbed. Death is never convenient). I don't recall what we had to eat that night instead of the missing turkey. Kingy was a smart dog, that is for sure. He had elected to forego the inconvenience of waking up during a robbery and actually having to attack a stranger in favor of seizing a bird on a table. Can't say I blame him.

To the best of my recall, Kingy never got to run in the woods wrapping himself in stink. Nor did he go on walks around the neighborhood. Times were different then. If there were any folks like Caesar Milan around, their knowledge about the things that dogs needed didn't get transmitted to us.

Kingy also never suffered the indignity of an oatmeal shampoo bath either. Of the two, I think perhaps that my dog has the better deal.

Doggie Bathtime

The warmish weather has come about two weeks early in the foothills of the Adirondacks this year. I knew this to be so when I first saw the red-wing blackbirds flocking at the feeders. Shortly after, grackles made their presence known and grass began turning green. The artificially neon green no-bugs-or-violets lawn people were out in their trucks spraying all signs of life out of the yards of the people on either side of us. Ticks came out in the woods followed very closely by mosquitoes and ants.

Today, the dog and we set out for a meander through a little trail nearby. All went well until the very end when she sprinted off, running all out up a hill. She came back stinking.

Oatmeal doggie shampoo and bribe (large doggie biscuit) were purchased on the way home. Once there, bedroom door was closed and our smelly victim was lifted into the bathtub. Thus here are the directions for washing my dog:

1. Dog finds something stinky and rolls in it thoroughly.
2. Dog is brought home in a car with all windows opens and human occupants gagging.
3. Dog is coaxed to the bathroom.
4. Dog watches with fear and trepidation as the bathroom door is closed and locked.
5. Dog cowers as the bathtub water is drawn.
6. Dog is deposited into the bathtub by two humans.
7. Dog is washed down with tepid water.
8. Dog curses and tries to get out of tub.
9. Dog is shampooed with smelly oatmeal doggie shampoo.
10. Dog is rinsed off and tries to escape again.
11. Dog is allowed to bolt out of the bathtub.
12. Dog heads for the backdoor and is presented with her biscuit.
13. Dog runs outside and rolls all over the backyard real turf, getting thoroughly muddy.
14. Dog rolls in grass some more.
15. Dog eats biscuit.
16. Dog rolls herself with vigor, covering herself with wholesome foothill Adirondack mud.
17. Dog begs to be let in.
18. Dog drinks water inside as one human wipes most of the mud off dog with a towel.
19. Dog throws herself at various pieces of the furniture in the living room.
20. Dog ignores the protests of the humans sitting in the living room.
21. Dog is satisfied that she has shared mud and water with all living and non-living beings.
22. Dog allows the two cats in residence to approach, sniff, and lick dog.
23. Dog goes to sleep for several hours.


The two cats in residence have just informed me that they do not wish to be left out of this post. They rarely need a bath.
Here are directions for bathing my two cats:

1. Run bathtub water.
2. Cats jump into the bathtub and wait for human to get with it.
3. Human (only one is required) wets, shampoos, and rinses cats.
4. Cats study the water going down the drain, refusing to get out of the tub.
5. Cats reluctantly leave the tub and lick themselves dry.

Yes, I know my cats are unusual. Both cats have always been fascinated by their humans' preoccupation with bathtub and shower. Both have watched the humans take showers and bubble baths. Both have dips paws and tails into the water willingly and splashed at their humans. Both have watched the water draining. Neither one objects to being immersed in water up to their chest. Neither one of them have ever rolled in something stinky. (Both are indoor cats).

And both cats will let me clip their nails without complaint. The dog objects to having her paws fussed with. The last dog objected to having his ass sniffed by other dogs. Now that was a problem.

sapphoq n friends