ERNESTLY HELPING A LIZARD 2/3/07

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called,
"come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a
minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I
really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um....um....masturbate
just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.

My son was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a
lizard's winkie...Priceless !!!

Moral of the story:
finish biology class -
lizards lay eggs!

big shout out to Jellybean from sapphoq n friends