Dree Raincave Did Not Die

That last "story" was a tidbit.  A smokescreen.  Dree Raincave didn't land in a tropical paradise.  He is safe.  He is somewhere.  Even his girlfriend Honey doesn't know where.  Wait.  Do you hear that?  The sound of drums off in a distance.  Let's listen.

Narrator:  Dree RainCave is back in the news today after evading U.S. undercover agents in Hong Kong and a foiled drone strike at the Russian airport in Moscow.  Late last night, Dree was spirited out from the window of a secret lounge and taken by flying reindeer to his new home.  We cannot tell you where it is-- only that the natives are all short and slender.  Their leader is a large woman who keeps beating her husband over his bald head with a rolling pin.  It seems they are Arcadian transplants as she has referred to him as "Mister Klaus" several times and threatened his anatomy while doing so.
               The natives have gathered around Dree RainCave [One short person gave me a cup of what seems to be hot chocolate, whispered to me that the proper spelling of his last name is capital R-a-i-n-no space capital-C-a-v-e before dashing off into the writhing bodies dancing madly around a bonfire.  In the distance, reindeer could be heard jousting for the opportunity to be front-runners of an ancient rickety sleigh.
               This is Flop News reporting to you from the Frozen Nort-- Hey give me back my microphone you midget!  We don't have any money in the budget for a repl--

Elven Aggressor:  That's "elf" to you, media whore.  Dree RainCave has been officially welcomed into our community.  He will be given a private igloo on our property and a job inventing robotic toys at our factory.  Now shove off before I throw the lot of you into the ocean.

Narrator:  Hey!  Give me tha--

          ~plunk~      ~plunk plunk~                     ~plunk

Transmission fades out.