A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.
"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok,
but they won't let me fart."
a big shout-out to the folks at the Comedy Club
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Author Unknown: from an e-mail going around
Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had surely arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had surely arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best
More Little Johnnies
Little Johnnie was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
Little Johnnie stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
Little Johnnie said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Little Johnnie replied, "Then you ask him".
***
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to
Little Johnnie who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
Little Johnnie replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Little Johnnie replied, "They will in a minute."
***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Little Johnnie answered, "Thou shall not kill."
***
One day
Little Johnnie was sitting and watching his mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. He suddenly noticed that his mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
He looked at his mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
His mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
Little Johnnie thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
Little Johnnie's voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
***
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnnie shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
***
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Little Johnnie had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Showers of the Sexes
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
1). Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2). Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3). Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can whine about how you're getting fat.
4). Get in the shower, look for face cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.
5). Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6). Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7). Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner.
8) . Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9). Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffra cake body wash.
10). Rinse conditioner off hair (taking fifteen minutes to make sure it has all come off).
11). Shave armpits and legs.
12). Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure and temperature changes.
13). Turn off the shower.
14). Squeegee off all the wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15). Get out of shower and dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16) . Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) . If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1). Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2). Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way shake your wiener at her making the "Woo" sound.
3). Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror.
4). Scratch your privates and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
5). Get in the shower.
6). Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
7). Wash your face.
8). Wash your armpits.
9). Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10). Wash your privates and surrounding area.
11). Wash you butt, leaving hair on soap bar.
12). Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13). Make a shampoo Mohawk of your hair..
14). Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15). Pee (in the shower).
16). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17). Partially dry off.
18). Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19). Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20). Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21). Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
22). Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
1). Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2). Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3). Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can whine about how you're getting fat.
4). Get in the shower, look for face cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.
5). Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6). Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7). Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner.
8) . Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9). Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffra cake body wash.
10). Rinse conditioner off hair (taking fifteen minutes to make sure it has all come off).
11). Shave armpits and legs.
12). Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure and temperature changes.
13). Turn off the shower.
14). Squeegee off all the wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15). Get out of shower and dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16) . Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) . If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1). Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2). Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way shake your wiener at her making the "Woo" sound.
3). Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror.
4). Scratch your privates and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
5). Get in the shower.
6). Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
7). Wash your face.
8). Wash your armpits.
9). Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10). Wash your privates and surrounding area.
11). Wash you butt, leaving hair on soap bar.
12). Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13). Make a shampoo Mohawk of your hair..
14). Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15). Pee (in the shower).
16). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17). Partially dry off.
18). Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19). Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20). Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21). Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
22). Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
Santa in Ozland
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered "not tonight dear I have a headache".
The man replied "is that your final answer"? She said "yes".
The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend".
What Will You Have?
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Randoms
After a few days, the Lord said to Adam: "It's time to start populating the earth, go behind a bush with Eve and kiss her."
"What's a kiss?" asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was quite enjoyable."
And the Lord said: "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, go and caress Eve."
"What's a caress?' asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was even more enjoyable than the kiss."
And the Lord said: "You've done well, Adam, now it is time to make love to Eve."
"What is 'make love,' Lord?"
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, but this time he emerged in two seconds and said: "Lord, what's a headache?"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Exercise for Older Adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
Arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then
try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
And Finally...
Santa Clauses in Australia were advised to say, "Ha Ha Ha," in Australia instead of "Ho Ho Ho."
Why you might ask?
Cuz the word "ho" refers to prostitutes in the United States.
It has been reported that some Santas had the good sense to refuse.
sapphoq n friends
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered "not tonight dear I have a headache".
The man replied "is that your final answer"? She said "yes".
The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend".
What Will You Have?
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Randoms
After a few days, the Lord said to Adam: "It's time to start populating the earth, go behind a bush with Eve and kiss her."
"What's a kiss?" asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was quite enjoyable."
And the Lord said: "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, go and caress Eve."
"What's a caress?' asked Adam.
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, and emerged a few minutes later and said to the Lord: "That was even more enjoyable than the kiss."
And the Lord said: "You've done well, Adam, now it is time to make love to Eve."
"What is 'make love,' Lord?"
So the Lord gave a brief description, and Adam took Eve behind a bush, but this time he emerged in two seconds and said: "Lord, what's a headache?"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? "
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Exercise for Older Adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
Arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then
try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
And Finally...
Santa Clauses in Australia were advised to say, "Ha Ha Ha," in Australia instead of "Ho Ho Ho."
Why you might ask?
Cuz the word "ho" refers to prostitutes in the United States.
It has been reported that some Santas had the good sense to refuse.
sapphoq n friends
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Host Hostage has been lolCatified by Owlmirror
[http://scienceblogs.com/
Below is an excellent rendition of Wafergate which has been LOLCatified by the Illustrious Owlmirror.
(sapphoq reviews says: full of win!)
The following was copied and pasted from Owlmirror's comment over at P.Z. Meyer's science blog:
Being aware of All Internet Traditions™, I think we all know that no Internet Phenomenon is complete until it has been properly LOLCATIFIED.
Thus, we present for ur lolz:
WAFERGATE
OR
CEILING CATLOLIC IS WATCHING YOU MASTICATE
Act I, Scene I
University of Central Florida, Catholic Chapel
PRIEST: JEBUS HAS A FLAVR!
PARISHIONER 1: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 1: NOM NOM NOM
PARISHIONER 2: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 2: NOM NOM NOM
PARISHIONER 3: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
PARISHIONER 3: NOM NOM NOM
WEBSTER COOK: I CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER?
PRIEST: YES, YOU CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER.
WEBSTER COOK: YAY, JEBUS CRACKER SOOVENEER!
PRIEST: WAIT, WHUT?
WEBSTER COOK: KTHXBYE
PARISHIONERS: NO! YOU NO CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER! NOT YOURS!
WEBSTER COOK: FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW
PARISHIONERS: OMGWTFBBQ!!!!!
PARISHIONERS: NOOOOOOO! HE BE STEALIN OUR JEBUS CRACKER!!!
Act II, Scene I
Diocese of Orlando
GONZALEZ: HALP! JEBUS CRACKER IS KIDNAPPED!
SUSAN FANI: STEALIN JEBUS CRACKER IS HAET CRIEM!
Act II, Scene II
Catholic League
DONAHUE: STEALIN JEBUS CRACKER IS TERRIBLE HAET CRIEM!
DONAHUE: EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE!
Act III, Scene I
University of Central Florida
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE SAD
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE WANT JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE MAD
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE WANT JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE FIND YOU
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE BRAEK IN
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE KEEELL YOU
EMAIL TO WEBSTER COOK: WE RESCUE JEBUS CRACKER
WEBSTER COOK: DO! NOT!! WANT!!!
Act III, Scene II
University of Central Florida
WEBSTER COOK: DO NOT WANT JEBUS CRACKER. TAEK IT.
PARISHIONERS: YAY! WE CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKER!
PARISHIONERS: WE GET COPS TO GAURD JEBUS CRACKERS NOW.
WEBSTER COOK: WTF?
Act IV, Scene I
Pharyngula Headquarters
PZ MYERS: WTFBBQ!!!
PZ MYERS: CATLOLICS GO APESHIT OVER JEBUS CRACKER!
PZ MYERS: IT'S A GODDAMN FRACKIN' CRACKER!
PZ MYERS: TEH STUPID, IT BURNZ!
PZ MYERS: WANT CAN HAS JEBUS CRACKERS!
PZ MYERS: DE-SE-CRATE! DE-SE-CRATE! DE-SE-CRATE!
PHARYNGULA: LOL
PHARYNGULA: SAD CATHOLICS ARE SAD
PHARYNGULA: CONCERN TROLLS ARE CONCERNED
PHARYNGULA: ANGER TROLLS ARE ANGRY
PHARYNGULA: HATE TROLLS ARE HATIN
PHARYNGULA: SOCKPUPPETS ARE SAD+CONCERNED+ANGRY+HATIN
PHARYNGULA: WTF! SOMEONE IS WRONG ON TEH INTERNETS!
PHARYNGULA: THEY SEE US SCOFFIN, THEY HATIN
PHARYNGULA: (Repeat above 1000 tiems)
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: AAAAOOOOOGAAAAH! OVERLOAD!
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: ERROR 500 SERVER ERROR!
PZ MYERS: WTF! NEW THREAD.
Act IV, Scene II
Catholic League
DONAHUE: DESECRATIN JEBUS CRACKER IS WORSE THAN HAYT CRIEM!
DONAHUE: EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE! EXPUL-SION-ATE!
Act IV, Scene III
Pharyngula Headquarters
PZ MYERS: WILLAIM DONAHUE IS DEMENTED
PZ MYERS: PHARYNGULA! HALP!
PHARYNGULA: PZ MYERS IS TEH AWE SUM!
PHARYNGULA: SAD CATHOLICS ARE SAD
PHARYNGULA: CONCERN TROLLS ARE CONCERNED
PHARYNGULA: ANGER TROLLS ARE ANGRY
PHARYNGULA: HATE TROLLS ARE HATIN
PHARYNGULA: SOCKPUPPETS ARE SAD+CONCERNED+ANGRY+HATIN
PHARYNGULA: WTF! SOMEONE IS WRONG ON TEH INTERNETS!
PHARYNGULA: THEY SEE US SCOFFIN, THEY HATIN
PHARYNGULA: (Repeat above 1000 tiems)
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: AAAAOOOOOGAAAAH! OVERLOAD!
SCIENCE BLOGS PHARYNGULA DATABASE: ERROR 500 SERVER ERROR!
PZ MYERS: WTF! NEW THREAD.
Act IV, Scene IV
Pharyngula Headquarters
PHARYNGULA: SECOND THIRD FOURTH FIFTH VERSE, SAME AS TEH FIRST
PZ MYERS: HEY! SOCKPUPPETS! GET OFF OF MY LAWN!
PHARYNGULA: (REPEAT SUM MOAR)
TEH END.......?
Posted by: Owlmirror | July 12, 2008 4:37 PM
http://scienceblogs.com/Discordian Funnies
A big shout-out to the Discordian Dude over at
http://www.maui.net/~discord/eris/text/humor.txt
for this one, copied and pasted word for word from there:
It's been real. It's been fun. It's even been real fun.
http://www.maui.net/~discord/eris/text/humor.txt
for this one, copied and pasted word for word from there:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a goodand for this one:
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. . . . What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dope.
Somebody has stolen our tent."
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
- Taoism: Shit happens.
- Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
- Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
- Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
- Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
- Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
- Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
- Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
- Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
- Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
- Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
- Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
- Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
- Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
- Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
- Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
- Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
- Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
- Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
- Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
- Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
- Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
- Creationism: God made all shit.
- Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
- Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
- Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
- Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
- Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
- Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
- Darwinism: This shit was once food.
- Capitalism: That's MY shit.
- Communism: It's everybody's shit.
- Feminism: Men are shit.
- Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
- Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
- Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
- Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
- Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
- Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
- Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
- Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
- Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
- Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
- Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
- Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
- Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock<>
- Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
- Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
- Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
- Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
- Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
- Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
- Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
- Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
- Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
- Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
- Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
- Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
- Atheism: What shit?
- Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
- Nihilism: No shit.
- Discordian #1: Who gives a shit?
It's been real. It's been fun. It's even been real fun.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Google Search Meme
snagged from :
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Type in what the questions ask you into google search and use the first thing that comes up as your answer.
1. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
2. Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
3. Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
4. Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
5. Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
6. Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
7. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search
8. Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
9. Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
10. Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
11. Type in "[your name] gets" in the Google search:
12. Type in "[your name] eats" in the Google search:
13. Type in "[your name] can" in the Google search:
14. Type in "[your name] drinks" in the Google search:
15. Type in "[your name] makes" in the Google search:
1. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
2. Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
3. Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
4. Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
5. Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
6. Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
7. Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search
8. Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
9. Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
10. Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
11. Type in "[your name] gets" in the Google search:
12. Type in "[your name] eats" in the Google search:
13. Type in "[your name] can" in the Google search:
14. Type in "[your name] drinks" in the Google search:
15. Type in "[your name] makes" in the Google search:
and my results
Spike needs to give "Carpocalypse" to another station.
spike looks like a bubble about to burst
SPiKE LiKES blends sensible design fundamentals with exceptional creativity.
SPIKE SAYS, "The Man Is Not My Father!"
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does [the] right thing.
Spike hates chickens.
Spike goes to Venice.
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact
.Spike gets more macho.
Spike eats a worm.
Spike can copy word revisions.
Spike drinks at home.
Spike makes [her] bones.
spike looks like a bubble about to burst
SPiKE LiKES blends sensible design fundamentals with exceptional creativity.
SPIKE SAYS, "The Man Is Not My Father!"
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does [the] right thing.
Spike hates chickens.
Spike goes to Venice.
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact
.Spike gets more macho.
Spike eats a worm.
Spike can copy word revisions.
Spike drinks at home.
Spike makes [her] bones.
Modded
Spike needs...another station, [another selection, or to change the channel].
Spike looks like a bubble about to burst.
Spike likes the sensible, [the practical, the logical].
Spike says, "This man is not my father."
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does the right thing.
Spike hates chickens [who lack guts and fortitude].
Spike goes to Venice [in her dreams].
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact.
Spike gets more macho.
Spike [has never] eat[en] a worm.
Spike can...revise [words].
Spike drinks [diet soda] at home.
Spike makes [no] bones [about it].
Spike looks like a bubble about to burst.
Spike likes the sensible, [the practical, the logical].
Spike says, "This man is not my father."
Spike wants the girl.
Spike does the right thing.
Spike hates chickens [who lack guts and fortitude].
Spike goes to Venice [in her dreams].
Spike loves Luke.
Spike has wide economic impact.
Spike gets more macho.
Spike [has never] eat[en] a worm.
Spike can...revise [words].
Spike drinks [diet soda] at home.
Spike makes [no] bones [about it].
Revised
Spike loves Luke but she wants the girl.
She makes no bones about it.
It is the girl she wants, not Luke.
In her dreams, spike sweeps the young woman
off her feet and they fly off to Mexico for a holiday.
Or perhaps to San Francisco, San Diego, Montreal.
Spike has been accused of being macho,
called a bull-dyke, or a chicken before
but she does not shrug from doing the right thing.
She is sensible, practical, and logical.
She knows that when it comes to straights
the fantasy is better than the reality.
She stays home, drinking diet soda
and watching a corny movie where the heroine says,
"This man is not my father."
Sighing, she changes the station.
Then she takes out the latest manuscript
and revises the words. She dreams
of making a huge splash, an impact.
She dreams of making it big
in books and in love.
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