TWO FOR THE HORSES 1/27/07

Car Trouble

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

What to Do With a Dead Horse

Most people, when they discover that they are riding a dead horse, dismount and get one that is alive instead.

However, those who work in governmental bureaucracies sometimes try other strategies:

1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Switching riders.
3. Increasing the standards that need to be met by dead horses.
4. Saying things like "This is the way that we have always ridden this horse."
5. Appointing a committee to study the dead horse.
6. Blaming the horse's parents.
7. Waiting for the horse's condition to improve.
8. Acquiring additional dead horses for increased speed.
9. Taking bids for a state-of-the-art dead horse.
10. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
11. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
13. Declaring that the horse is "better, safer, and cheaper" dead.
14. Revising the performance standards for horses.
15. Passing legislation declaring "This horse is not dead."
16. Providing additional training to increase riding ability.
17. Commissioning a study to see if private contractors can ride it cheaper.
18. Removing all obstacles in the dead horse's path.
19. Saying that the horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
20. Continue to purchase feed for the dead horse.
21. Shift the responsibility for the dead horse to another department.
22. Raising taxes (any excuse will do).

And if all else fails:

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Sometimes the joke is a bit too close to the truth for comfort.
sapphoq n friends

THANKS R.J...THIS IS PRICELESS 1/27/07

Things I Hate about Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

ONE-WISH GENIE 1/27/07

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So...What'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to
stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace
and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady,
please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it
can be done. Make another wish, and please be reasonable."

The
woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man."

The genie
let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."

With apologies to all the good men I know but it's still funny.
sapphoq n friends

LITTLE LUCY FACES DEATH 1/25/07

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her
cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes
shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on
seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like
that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the
tears.

At a loss for something to say the father
replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up
in the air so that it will be easier for God to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and
lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death
quite well.

However, two days later when her father came
home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened, the
father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you
mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for
work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor
with her legs in the air and she was shouting,

'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she
would definitely have gone, Daddy".

YOUNG HOMOPHOBE 1/25/07

Daddy Longlegs
A father watched his daughter Lucy playing in the
garden. He smiled
as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to her and
noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" Lucy
asked.
They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"
she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"Is the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Lucy asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are
Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took
her foot and
stomped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that shit in our
garden."

CONCERT 1/23/07

Explorer lands on pacific island to study the natives.

From day one there is a constant drumming, 24 hrs/day the drums are manned and thumping, day and night.

The explorer asks one drummer, "Why don't you stop?"

The drummer turns pale and says, "Noooooo, very bad to stop."

He asks the shaman the same question, and gets the reply, "Nooooo....bad mojo, bad mojo...."

After weeks of the incessant drumming the explorer goes to the chief and asks, "What would be so bad if the drums stopped?"

The chief quivered and shook and replied..."Terrible bad...."

"If drums stop, then bass solo....."

lol. sapphoq n friends

DAY IN COURT 1/23/07

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

lol. sapphoq n friends

FEELING

I've decided that I'm not going to live my life on feeling anymore.
I don't quite know what that means but I'm just not going to do it.
Some folks say that emotion is different from feeling but I'm not so
sure about that one either. If emotion is an intense and physiological
state of being and feeling is an affective response to that emotion, it
doesn't seem like anyone is much better off living by emotion. I read
this morning that some company acquired emotion so I wanna know,
does that mean we have to fill out a temporary license or what? Some
think we should purchase studies of emotion but I'm not so sure about
that either. I might be better off just asking Eric to act them out. It
appears there is something lacking in my life but I think that lack is coffee.

sapphoq n friends

A ROUND OF JOKES FOR DOCS 1/23/07

Joe and his three buddies are waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those ******* lessons I took this winter didn't help."
Joe immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady, You should have taken golf lessons instead."


Joe was on the seventh fairway when he hooked his ball into the trees on the side of the fairway. He marched in and soon found his ball. The ball was okay to be hit and driven back into the fairway. In front of the ball was a bunch of flowers. Joe took a full backswing, swung through the ball and drove it back into the short grass. In the swing, he tore the flowers into pieces.
Almost immediately, a cloud of gas formed in front of him. The gas began to take form and soon there stood a woman in a long flowing dress.
"How dare you?" she shouted.
Joe stepped back . "Who are you?"
"I'm Mother Nature," she said. "You destroyed those buttercups of mine. For such a vile act, you will not be able to enjoy butter for the next year. If you even think of butter, you will be sick." She disappeared with a wave of her hand.
True to her word, Joe had times when he tried to use butter, but vomited and had diarrhea. Mother Nature's words were true.
About a year later after a tough twelve months, Joe was golfing with his friend Bob, when Bob hit his ball into the rough. Bob walked in and looked around. Finally, he found his ball.
He said, "I found it, Joe. I can easily hit my ball back into play on the fairway. Just some stuff in front of it."
"Wait, Bob," Joe said, "let me take a look."
Joe walked into the rough. His eyes went wide.
"Oh no," he said. "Whatever you do, don't swing through those pussywillows."


Joe had a lot of trouble with golf. One day, he walked into the pro-shop. The golf pro looked up to find that Joe had a nine iron wrapped over his head. The darn thing looked like that joke stunt where someone has an arrow cut in half with a half-moon wire connecting the pieces and it looks like the arrow is straight through the temple.
"What happened?" the golf pro asked.
Joe rolled his eyes. "This crazy woman hit me; she went nuts."
"What do you mean?" the pro asked.
"Well I was on the seventh fairway when I hooked my ball into the cow pasture by the side. I climbed through the fence and began to look for my ball among the cattle. I found that a woman was searching also, obviously for her ball. Then I noted that a ball was stuck into one of the cows rear end under its tail. I lifted the tail and found that the ball had a daisy on the side. I turned to the woman and said, "Hey lady, this one looks like yours."

sapphoq n friends

BLONDIE'S PROPERTY LAWS 11/20/07

1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Thanks RJ for passing on this little gem. sapphoq n friends.

IT'S ALL HAPPENING AT THE ZOO 1/20/07

This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.

"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper.

"I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing.

Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me."

"Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That," (pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh," said the man, not quite satisfied. He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag.

Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!"

At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid.

lol, sapphoq n friends

BELINDA 1/19/07

Dear Diary:

For my 45 th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for me that early in the morning and when she scolds me, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** dumbbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bitch) , will choose a gift for me that is fun

--like a root canal or a vasectomy.

thanks 1588c again, sapphoq n friends

WHO YA CALLIN' FLUFFY 1/18/07

I've been having fun with GIMP.
GIMP is open-source freeware.
And it is fun.

If you like this blinkie and want to use it,
Right-click on it.
When your "My Pictures" comes up,
Scroll down to "Save."

sapphoq n friends

IT'S OVER 1/15/07

Grab a huge bar of chocolate [or substitute if you must].

Place one piece at the north,
one at the east,
one at the south,
one at the west.
Put the rest in the center.
Sit within arm's reach of all of the chocolate.

Say to yourself,
"it's over" and eat the north,
"it's over" and eat the east,
"it's over" and eat the south,
"It's over" and eat the west.
"it's over" and eat the center.

then wipe your mouth on your shirtsleeve
and leave, knowing that it's over.

sapphoq. chocolate

ps this ritual best done alone.

GIMP WITCH 1/14/07

Right-click to save to your "My Pictures" to reuse somewhere else.

RORSCHACH 1/14/07

A psychiatrist was showing some Rorschach figures to a patient:

"What do you see here?"

"A naked woman"....

The psychiatrist nods, takes another card and puts it on the table

"...and here?"

"Another naked woman"

...Nodding, the psychiatrist takes another card and puts it on the table:

"What about this one?"

"Naked. Woman"

"Damn it, man! You're really obsessed!"

"Look who's talking! You're the one who keeps showing me naked women!"

DREAMING 1/14/07

We live on need. A deeper depression than anything, this hate. It attacks love lost. It attacks all we know and have known.

Clearly we are in chaos. We were shot down. We will stay away. Nothing for us anywhere or anymore.

Secretly we are all living in fear. We must stop teaching fear. We go on living somehow, some way.

Freaks, don't be afraid to think of this: We have rights. Think freedom.
Freedom laughs. Hell knows the future. It is one hell of a future.

Time becomes the new peace. Disaster gets attention. Remember how dreaming heals us all.

Remember how no-dreaming chokes all life. Nothingness turns beings of hope into heartless automations.

Take up your hearts and mend them with these words of fire. It takes courage to dream new dreams.

sapphoq n friends

IT'S RIPPLE ART WITH GIMP 1/13/07

I've been experimenting with GIMP. This is one of the latest. If you wish to use it, right-click to save to your "My Pictures" and then insert from there.

sapphoq n friends

JANE AND THE QUICKSAND 1/11/07

One day in the tree house, Jane had left to collect greens for a salad and Tarzan was in the middle of a Texas Hold-em battle with Cheetah the chimp. The match was running almost even, when suddenly, a scream echoed through the trees. Jane's voice was unmistakable. Tarzan stepped to one of his treehouse platforms and stared out.

He discovered that Jane had taken a shortcut back through a nearby swampy area and was now stuck in quicksand. The sand was up to her waist.
"Help, Tarzan, help," she cried. "Not to worry," Tarzan said. "I have my long vine here and will swing over the swamp. Grab the vine when I swing over and I'll pull you free." The ape-man took the vine in his massive hands and began to swing.

"AH-E-AH-E-AH-E-AAaaaah," he cried out. "I said grab the vine, Jane, the vine."

sapphoq n friends

FEEL THE HATE 1/10/07

*Right-click to save to your pictures if you wish to use the header above. *

Oh, oh, feel the hate! Isn't it great to be hated,
to be a martyr, to be hung on a tree of your own,
of your own making? If you don't like the view,
come down from up there. Give up your ecstasy,
Return and take your place with the common folk
in the land of the living. Return, and learn. Learn
to live on this planet. There's got to be a better way.

sapphoq n friends

REMEMBRANCE 1/7/07

Time dances, twirling pirouettes.
Shadows of a day fading beyond.
Butterflies cling on, defiant
in the face of metallic blue
atmospheric forces. Long after
all becomes due, I will remember.

sapphoq n friends

ANOTHER CORNY JOKE 1/4/07

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move.

The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture. The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked. "Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

sapphoq n friends

WANT ADS, a found poem 1/1/07

WANT ADS

Refuse-- garbage building-- cooks
over your future. Expanding demand[s]
function. Pressure capacity bridges need.
Be willing, stable, and available.
Desirable, behavioral, professional,
thorough, extensive an every day policy.
Be needed. Compensation includes reimbursement.
Submit. Resume diversity.

sapphoq n friends
found poem was composed from Schenectady Gazette page f5